Popular jokes (24871 to 24885)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually a...

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Puns, For the Educated Mind

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Two rednecks decided that they

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

An elderly lady was stopped to...

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"

The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Marooned

An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a

vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for

awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down

and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the

shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,

nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,

this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months

he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life,

and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement

out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was

the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to

him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How

did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I

landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a

rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,

nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of

raw material that I found on the island. The oars were

whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm

branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus

tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had

no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south

side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial

rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain

temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile

iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the

hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you

live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the

beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a

small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out

of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an

exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman

tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man

could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the

house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any

more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a

still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,

and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had

exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to

slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take

a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet

in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the

bathroom.

There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to

its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is

amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines

(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she

began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been

out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's

something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,

something you've been longing for all these months? You

know... "

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was

hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice

mail from here?"

A+ story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The short story had to contain the following three things;

(1) Religion

(2) Sexuality

(3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.

Below is the A+ short story:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

Submitted by axelwang

Edited by Curtis

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

One-Handed Man Crossing

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.

Yo momma's so fat, her baby pi...

Yo momma's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite.

When the mother returned from ...

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for.

He then spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.


"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."