Popular jokes (24931 to 24945)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I have contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don't care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You're getting a ticket.”.
“It's tough to know e...
“It's tough to know exactly what some philosophers looked like. Sometimes the only way might be to ex-Hume them.”
Knock Knock Collection 198
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yachts!
Yachts who?
Yachts up, doc!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yah!
Yah who?
Ride em cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yehuda!
Yehuda who?
Yehuda dance all night!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yelp!
Yelp who?
Yelp me, my nose is stuck in the keyhole!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yoda le lee whoo!
Lewinsky's Reply
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response
to President Clinton's testimony "I have had enough. This
whole experience has eft a bitter taste in my mouth, and I
can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,
that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in
myface.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard,
that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in
the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the
challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked
bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one
will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a
finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work
nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean
of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. "Thank
you." Monica Lewinsky
The stockbroker received notic...
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle” “why would you say that?” wondered the broker. “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
Safe sex
A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Funny jokes-Baby pigeon
Mama pigeon tried to pacify Dovey and said, 'You have nothing to worry about. I'll tie a piece of thread to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'
On hearing this, Dovey began to cry.
'Why are you crying baby?' asked the worried mother.
Dovey replied, 'You don't want me to be pigeon towed, do you?'
A man in a hot air balloon rea...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Bar Crawl
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
A match between two junior te...
A match between two junior teams was about to take place but it had been raining so heavily all week that the ground resembled a swamp.Lightbulb Joke Collection 22
Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
The Government Cuts Costs
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
Whats My Name?
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
