Popular jokes (24991 to 25005)

He Makes Straight A's

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach, “but how’s his scholastic work?”
“Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach.
“Wonderful!” said the sportswriter.
“Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”

The teacher was warning the cl

The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold weather improperly dressed.
"There was one a boy," he said, "who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn't put a coat or scarf on. He caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia... and he was sick for two weeks!"
The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice asked, "What happened to the sled?"

Pregnant Wife

A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

In ancient times, lazy slaves

In ancient times, lazy slaves didn't build Pyramids. They stood around and smoked ziggurats.

First time

A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Lightbulb Joke Collection 12

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.

My friends and I are all crazy...

My friends and I are all crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.

Answering Machine Message 133

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

What’s worse than finding a

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? 
Half a worm.

Gourmet Reporter

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don''t understand!" he cries, "You can''t do this to me! I''m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well look on the bright side. Soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

The greatest boss....

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

Really funny jokes-Vampires in a bar

New Mercedes Owner

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

Visit to the museum...

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Did you hear about the compute...

Did you hear about the computer novice who had to copy a floppy disk? He took it to the photocopying machine.