Popular jokes (25006 to 25020)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Guess Who's On t he Radio? From the Blonde Files
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my Blonde wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice.
I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
'You won't believe this,' she said, 'but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!'
Top 10 Signs that You've ...
Top 10 Signs that You've been Programming too long...1) When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
2) When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
3) When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
4) When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
5) When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
6) When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
7) When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
8) When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
9) When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
A) When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
Two roofers, Larry and Joe wer...
Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”Oh My God
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight #293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So set back and relax - OH MY GOD!"Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."
A passenger in coach said, "THAT'S NOTHING. He should see the back of mine."
Puns, For the Educated Mind
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.Yo momma's so fat, she got ba
Yo momma's so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.Confucius say: "Man who run be...
Confucius say: "Man who run behind car get exhausted, but man who run in front of car get tired."An elderly lady was stopped to...
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
Wedding Preparation
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Chemist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Chemist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”
Marooned
An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take avacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for
awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down
and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the
shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months
he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life,
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement
out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to
him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How
did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of
raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm
branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had
no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south
side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you
live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the
beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a
small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out
of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the
house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any
more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a
still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had
exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the
bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines
(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You
know... "
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was
hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice
mail from here?"
A+ story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.The short story had to contain the following three things;
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
Hollywood divorces
It is customary in Hollywood to get married early in the morning. It helps in the sense if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
The most difficult thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the news of the divorce leaks out.
A Hollywood kid felt very proud. The reason - at the last Parent-Teachers meeting, she was given a prize for having the most parents there.
One Hollywood actress is known to be very sentimental: she is very particular about always getting divorced in the dress her mother was married in.
