Popular jokes (25021 to 25035)

Making a Wedding Bearable

Little Johnny was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and then turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.
That’s the way it went all down the aisle: step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing by the time he reached the pulpit. When the priest who was celebrating the wedding asked what he was doing, Little Johnny sniffed nad said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Hymn #365

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

A Thank You from God

Professor Markowitz was teaching a graduate level class at New York University. On the mid-term exam he included a huge amount of material. As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud.
The following week Professor Markowitz tossed the graded papers on his desk and announced, 'Class, after I left here last week, God spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!''

Yesterday scientists revealed ...

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.

 Answering Machine Message 258

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

“You can't lose pick

“You can't lose picking a sherbet for dessert.”

Dollars Equal Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 1c.
Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

It was a stormy night. A guy w...

It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."

Louis C.K.: Harlem Image

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, Dont go to Harlem. You can never go there cause as soon as you get there, they kill you. Thats what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... Thats peoples image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.

Mailing Christmas Cards

I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."

Q. How do you make holy water?...

Q. How do you make holy water?

A. Boil the hell out of it.

What does a lawyer use for bir...

What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

Leaning slightly

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused … told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

He just looked at me and said, … “I stand corrected.”

Cliff-Hanger

I hate cliff-hangers! Do you know what I am going to do about it?

You Are So Poor - Kicking a Can

You are so poor . . .

When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked

what you were doing. You said you were moving!