Popular jokes (25021 to 25035)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Little Pete came home from the...
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
“Farmers engaged in p
“Farmers engaged in paddy cultivation for generations are genetically ingrained!”
World's Smartest Woman World's Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., " so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die," so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute."
The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
Go Home And Wait
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 10, 1993
FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed.
Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.
By mistake I went to Dr. Jack
By mistake I went to Dr. Jack Kevorkian for cosmetic surgery. He recommended a noose job, said I'd be just like the youth in Asia.Answering Machine Message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Things we would never know without going to the movies...
During all police investigations it will benecessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
It d
Answering Machine Message 158
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
Training The Blonde
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Two ladies are sitting next to...
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition."
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where are y'all from, bitch?"
A couple went to mass and took...
A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty.
The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.
Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.
"Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"
Recognize
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied...
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize."
Cleaner unhappy
Why was the cleaner unhappy with his job?Because he believed that grime didn't pay!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
