Popular jokes (24976 to 24990)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Pharmacist
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."
Spelling...
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Answering Machine Message 123
(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.
Canadian geese are known to fl...
Canadian geese are known to fly in a "V" shaped as they migrate across the county. The lead goose in the "V" cuts through the air making it easier for the rest of the geese behind him. As that lead goose becomes tired, he will drop off and join one of the sides and a new lead goose will take over. This is done several times as they are flying long distances. So if you look up in the sky and see a "V" shape of geese and one side is longer than the other, do you know what that means?A:(There are more geese on that side)
Where ya from, Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
“Great batsmen in cri
“Great batsmen in cricket score centuries by their will-ow power?”
A railfan was discussing the N...
A railfan was discussing the NSW C-79 class, pointing out its tall funnel, large driving wheels, and other characteristics which gave it an Edwardian appearance. Then his young brother, a Thomas the Tank Engine fan, came up with a picture of an unstreamlined 38-class, claiming for it a "Gordonian" appearance!Translation: Nobody could fail to recognise the allusion to Gordon of the Fat Controller's railway!
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLA
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Dad: Junior, how did you get y...
Dad: Junior, how did you get your clothes ripped? Son: I was trying to stop a boy from getting beat up. Dad: Oh? What boy? Son: Me!Business One-liners 94
Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.
Cast the first stone...
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Answering Machine Message 61
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
