Popular jokes (24961 to 24975)

Sister: What are you givi...

Sister: What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?

Brother: A list of everything I want!

The after-dinner speaker just

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

Repairing The Phone

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!

This guy goes into a doctor's ...

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

A blonde joke

An...

A blonde joke

An Irishman, an Aussie and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Aussie opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Steak again! If I get steak one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, strasburg again! If I get a strasburg sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Aussie opened his lunch, saw steak and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the strasburg and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Aussie's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him ham & cheese! I didn't realise he hated steak so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch.

So one day, Gramma sent her gr...

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 01

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.

People are always te...

“People are always telling me to keep my nose to the grindstone, but I'm afraid that will cause me to lose face.”

New Chemical Warfare

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

Teacher: What’s the outside

Teacher: What’s the outside layer
of a tree called, Tommy?
Tommy: Don’t Know.
Teacher: Bark, Tommy.
Tommy: Woof, Woof.

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.

“It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

Source: CleanJokes4U.com

A man at the airline counter t...

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

Eating Right

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

Rattlesnake vs. Flaccid...

What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?

You can't f**k with either one.

Answering Machine Message 166

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.