Popular jokes (25126 to 25140)

Dough Robbery

Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse?
Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."

I like all track and...

“I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.”

Geriatric Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ...... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?"

the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to in my bedroom.... And she yells, 'Fuck You!!!!!' and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.' "

I was packing for my business ...

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Police Chief Hates You

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

Which one?

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers.

Which one is married?

The one with the wedding ring.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

The Darwinian vs. God Contest

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Making a Wedding Bearable

Little Johnny was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and then turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.
That’s the way it went all down the aisle: step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing by the time he reached the pulpit. When the priest who was celebrating the wedding asked what he was doing, Little Johnny sniffed nad said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Hymn #365

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

Q: What's gre...

Q: What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A: The pool table in the oval office.

Dollars Equal Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 1c.
Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

Star power...

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.

Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."

 Business One-liners 60

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Mailing Christmas Cards

I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."

New customer to Tech Support: ...

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.