Popular jokes (25156 to 25170)

 Answering Machine Message 21

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Shakespeare's play about

Shakespeare's play about surprisingly fragrant flatulence, aka All Smells that End Well.

“To the flat dwellers...

“To the flat dwellers finding a level playing field was a complex issue!”

Jeb and Jethro live in the hil...

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town.
Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber.
Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and, yet again, walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning, Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

Amish Life

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A: A mechanic!

 Knock Knock Collection 098

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivor!
Ivor who?
Ivor good mind not to tell you now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivory!
Ivory who?
Ivory strong like Tarzan!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Izzy!
Izzy who?
Izzy come, Izzy go!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jack!
Jack who?
Jackdraft!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jagger!
Jagger who!
Jagger'd edge!

Quick thinking...

One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," replied Earl. "We're on the patch!"

Turn signal...

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Wife: Did you see your dentist...

Wife: Did you see your dentist this morning? Husband: I did. Wife: Then why did I spot you with a pretty woman in the park? Husband: Yes, that's my dentist!

“The woodcutter stret...

“The woodcutter stretched every morning before starting work. He was a limberjack.”

People who drop ice cream can

People who drop ice cream can be so cone descending.

Late last week, I was rushing ...

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out from all the junk going on at work these days.

It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts for a few loyal co-workers. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children new winter coats.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy coats for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Dealing with unwanted calls

A Jewish Confession

An 80 year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:
"Father, I am an 80 year-old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."
The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"
The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

 I Just Needed To Use Your Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"