Popular jokes (25216 to 25230)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A woman confided to her girlfr...
A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."The friend said, "How flattering."
The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."
Internetaholics Anonymous
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.Yes, you–we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or laptop?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line
Ninety-year-old Mr Tomkins wen
Ninety-year-old Mr Tomkins went in for his annual checkup. When the doctor asked how he was feeling, he said, "Never been better! I've got an 18 year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"The doctor considered this for a moment. "Let me tell you a story," he said. "I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he went out in a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
"No," the old man said. "Tell me."
"The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm driving at," the doctor replied.
Three boys received their grad...
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.'One day we should get her for this,' said the first boy.'
I agree. We'll grab her...' said the second.
'Yeah,' said the third. 'And then we'll kick her in the nuts!'
A blonde woman decides that sh...
A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."Guess Who's On t he Radio? From the Blonde Files
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my Blonde wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice.
I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
'You won't believe this,' she said, 'but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!'
A guy comes home all excited. ...
A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can try to spice up our sex life!"The wife asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies, "Back to back."
The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be done."
The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help us."
Top 10 Signs that You've ...
Top 10 Signs that You've been Programming too long...1) When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
2) When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
3) When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
4) When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
5) When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
6) When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
7) When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
8) When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
9) When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
A) When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
Two roofers, Larry and Joe wer...
Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”Funny jokes-Survivor
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
Hymn #365
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
