Popular jokes (25231 to 25245)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Conversation between hus...
Conversation between husband and wife:
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WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "S**t"
Real Saddam Please stand up!
This is parody of eminem's song "Will the real Slim Shady plz stand up!" the saddam hussein version.May I have your attention please?
Infidels,
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Saddam please stand up?
I repeat! Will the real Saddam please stand up?
We gonna have a problem here...
You all act like you've never seen a dictator before
Jaws all on the floor
Like Hitler and Stalin just walked in the door
I started terrorizing years before the 1st gulf war,
Now I plan to even the score
I've got so many body doubles, Its True! No Kidding!
I don't go to the streets. They All do my bidding.
And Chemical Ali said...
Nothin you Idiots, Chem Ali's dead. I'll find a replacement.
Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But it's no worse than what's going on in the U.S war room
Sometimes I wanna go on Al Jazeera and let loose, but can't
But it's OK for the U.S to destory my statues.
Osama's down with this. Osama's down with that.
And if he's lucky he might get weapons from Iraq.
And thats the reason why my regime got attacked.
If I react with chemicals, I'll sure get jacked!
Of course you're gonna bomb me and my forces
By the time you fly warplanes
I'll be in Tikrit sippin' on champagne.
And when you miss me, please don't start to complain.
You've got so many soldiers tearing up my terrain.
I am like cockroach cuz you can't kill me.
The guy you're bombing now isn't the real me.
My information minister goes on TV,
So he can say I wasn't found in the debris.
And there's a million of us just like me
Who dress like me, walk, talk, oppress like me
Mustache like me, a big piece of trash like me
And just might be a piece of sh*t, but not quite me!
I'm Saddam. Yes, I'm the real Saddam.
All you other Saddams can all kiss my bottom.
So won't the real Saddam please stand up?
Please stand up? Please stand up?
A railfan was discussing the N...
A railfan was discussing the NSW C-79 class, pointing out its tall funnel, large driving wheels, and other characteristics which gave it an Edwardian appearance. Then his young brother, a Thomas the Tank Engine fan, came up with a picture of an unstreamlined 38-class, claiming for it a "Gordonian" appearance!Translation: Nobody could fail to recognise the allusion to Gordon of the Fat Controller's railway!
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLA
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Silly Collection 04
What do golfers use in China?China tees!
What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!
Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!
In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!
What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
Drugs for Women
With ...
Drugs for WomenWith the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance:
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
$8 Bill
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
Bowling ball humor...
I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
-- Carolyn May
"How long have you been drivin
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
It was the day of the big sale...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
