Popular jokes (25231 to 25245)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Rules for being human
1) You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2) You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.
4) A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5) Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6) “There” is no better than “here”.
When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will, again, look better than “here.”
7) Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8) What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9) Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10) You will forget all this.
What do you get when you cross...
What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?Water in the carburetor...
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Hilarious jokes-Substitute
Martin's wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”
Rich is better
I've been rich and I've been poor... Believe me, rich is better!Steven Wright 09
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Insurance...
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
???????? (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
Mike, Jack, and Gary go for a
Mike, Jack, and Gary go for a hike in the woods. They are out about an hour enjoying the sights when they come around a sharp bend in the trail and spot a bear just in front of them feeding off some vegetation next to the trail. The bear lets out a menacing growl when it notices the hikers. Mike says "jump up and down, make some noise to scare it away". Jack says “that won't work, we need to play dead". They both ask Gary “what do we do?" There is no reply. Turning around they see Gary far down the trail behind them.Russell Crowe Movie
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?”
“Gladiator?”
“No, I really miss her.”
Manners
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
A little girl was talking to h...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Funny jokes-The Heart Attack Grill
Ad Response
One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"
"Yeah, we got robbed last night."
