Popular jokes (25426 to 25440)

A Marine colonel on his way ho...

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

One day, an old French sausage...

One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright only son and heir take over the running.

When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work.

The son looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the very old to the very modern. His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain: "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather. With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Paris!"

And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and continued with his explanation: "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Provence!"

He next led his son to the third most modern machine: "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide."

He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own machine."

The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an ass comes out the other."

His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, such a machine already exists - it's your mother!"

A man walked into the bar and

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"

Water to Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets

stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the

minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the

floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the minister.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's

done it again!"

How do you inspire a man who l

How do you inspire a man who loves sheep?

Do cowards like eating...

Do cowards like eating ‘fraid chicken?

A woman's husband had been sl

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me!"

Golden Wedding Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.

Godawful Pickup Line

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.

Nice Guy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Contributed by Allen Good

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen..'

“Did you hear about t...

“Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.”

“What do you think th

“What do you think the glib surgeon said to me after he took off my leg above the knee? 'It won't be long now'.”

Investigating A Terrible Accident

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

“I am writing a term

“I am writing a term paper on various types of golf courses. I have found many links on the computer.”