Popular jokes (25441 to 25455)

"Say," began Lucille...

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"

"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."

"Oh, really?"

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

Cowboy without a horse...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

The teenage granddaughter come...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Time Off

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Poland?
A: A tourist.

One line jokes-Tennis player

Oh, the pity of old age

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours.”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

He said, “I can't remember where I live!”

Played a round of golf with th

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.
After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".
So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"
Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?
To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent "

A clear conscience is usually ...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Nobutty knows

Nobutty knows what it's like to have a small behind.

Here are some actual exchanges

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

What did the big chimney say t...

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

His favorite chocolate chip cookies....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Visit to the museum...

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

 Business One-liners 34

Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take this job and shove it.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance