Popular jokes (25516 to 25530)

“The invention of the

“The invention of the lock was the key to success.”

Two quick ones...

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

Deep Thoughts 08

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

No Cavities

One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit. He called out,"Hey mom, I have no cavities today."

His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised. But she smiled and then frowned, knowing the expected. "Let me guess," she said. "You have not a tooth left."

Baseball bat...

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

After drinking, Men talk unnec...

After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,
Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!

What do vegetarian zombies scr...

What do vegetarian zombies scream for?

A teacher asked students to br...

A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa

It was Saturday night and the

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to thinkof a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to hiswife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give asermon about horseback riding!"
She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horsebackriding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached onjust about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can'tbelieve that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're goingto give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay inthe car during the service."
He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.Entering church before the service, the preacher had a suddeninspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had thecongregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, someof he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husbandhas EVER given!"
She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big buthe's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and onceafter, and he fell off both times!"

A man has been on Death Row fo

A man has been on Death Row for 8 years and has just lost his last appeal. The execution day arrives, and after the priest has read to him, the hangman escorts him from the cell. They get out of the cell block into the courtyard and the prisoner is down hearted to see its absolutely chucking it down with rain.
"I don't believe this." Says the prisoner "Of all the days to be hung and its pissing hard with rain."
The hangman replies "Well its all right for you, I've got to walk back in it!"

“When you buy at the

“When you buy at the second hand store you've reached the point of no returns.”

Keys Locked In

Q: Did you hear about the blonde man that locked his keys in his car?

A: Took him an hour to get his family out w/ a coat hanger.

A man and a woman we

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely.

''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.''

''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.

''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?''

''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.''

Boomerang

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick...

Mass Hysteria

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960′s.

One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Replied one student, “We recognized some of our mothers!”