Popular jokes (25501 to 25515)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Motherly Lessons
My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don't talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it when we get home.”
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE… “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE… “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION… “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL… “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC… “Because I said so, that's why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT… “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY… “Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS… “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM… “Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA… “You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER… “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY… “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE… “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION… “Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!”
Hollywood divorces
It is customary in Hollywood to get married early in the morning. It helps in the sense if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
The most difficult thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the news of the divorce leaks out.
A Hollywood kid felt very proud. The reason - at the last Parent-Teachers meeting, she was given a prize for having the most parents there.
One Hollywood actress is known to be very sentimental: she is very particular about always getting divorced in the dress her mother was married in.
“When I took first pl
“When I took first place in the sewing competition, I thought that I had better quilt while I was ahead.”
Fifteen minutes into the fligh...
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our four engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled."Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "Our number two engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "Our number three engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "I hope that fourth engine keeps working, or we'll be up here all day!"
Business One-liners 84
Murphy was an optimist.
My client(sponsor/customer) doesn't know what he wants.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature is a mother.
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
Never be first to do anything.
Never be last.
Doctor and patient...
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
A police officer stops a...
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Pulled Muscle
One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler. Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat."Hey Dick! How's it going?"
asked Michael.
"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick.
"I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."
"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?"
Michael asked.
"A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"
Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"
The young couple is on their h...
The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while.""We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
You might be a nurse if...
You might be a nurse if:⢠When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for
a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
⢠Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's
bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
⢠Men assume you might be great in bed because of the 9 million porn
movies about nurses.
⢠Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and
every ache and pain they have.
⢠You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see
a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and
flirting with doctors.
⢠You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
⢠You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even
spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
⢠You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Are there racists in Switzerla
Are there racists in Switzerland?Thirsty
A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
