Popular jokes (25486 to 25500)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
- EVER WONDER
-
- W...
- EVER WONDER-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Vat Vas Dat Agin?
Helga was hanging the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.''''''''Gootness, iss hot,'''''''' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''''''''Vy nought?'''''''' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''''''''
The bartender asked, ''''''''Anheuser Busch?''''''''
''''''''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''''''''
T.J. Miller: Open Source Coding Joke
This area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? Its true; I read it in Wikipedia. I mean I put it in there, but I read it right after.I’m tired of all this nonsen
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?The inveterate horseplayer pau...
The inveterate horseplayer paused before taking his place at the betting window, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker."Blessed Lord," he murmured with mountain-moving sincerity, "I know You donÂ’t approve of my gambling, but just this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly."
Wrong Kid Is Mowing
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
- Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
- He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
- No toes.
Funny Facts
1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Which famous Russian would not
Which famous Russian would not have approved of Vladimir? Rasputin.A little boy went to the bathr...
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
