Popular jokes (25696 to 25710)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
There was a sandwich machine i...
There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
Waiting...
Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
Adam Sandler: Just Be Dead
If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not cause I hate her so much as its just easier for when my friends go, Hey, what happened? Oh, shes dead. Id still be with her, but shes dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but shes dead.If College Students Wrote the Bible:
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
Reason Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Marriage
conversation before marriage...The National Transportation Sa...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Escargot
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
While getting a checkup, a man
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"
Skydiving for the first time
A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
New funeral parlor
“When the new funeral parlor opened, the other undertakers faced stiff competition.”
Send in help...
A guy calls the hospital and a nurse answers the phone.
The guy said, "Send in help because my wife is going into labor."
The nurse said, "Is this her first child?"
The guy replied, "No, this is her husband."
Steven Wright 03
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
