Popular jokes (25681 to 25695)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
12 things a man can do a...
12 things a man can do at K-Mart ... while his wife is taking her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Home-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: "Code 3 in House wares!" and see what happens.
4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
5. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me ALONE!
8. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
9. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
10. In the Motor Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
11. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME! PICK ME!
12. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOO! It's those voices again!"
A first-grade teacher was over...
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
The First Stone
Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people."He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone."
Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
"Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!"
Deep Thoughts 08
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
Larry, a computer programmer f...
Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.
When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.
"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him," she said.
Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.
"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
It was Saturday night and the
It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to thinkof a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to hiswife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give asermon about horseback riding!"She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horsebackriding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached onjust about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can'tbelieve that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're goingto give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay inthe car during the service."
He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.Entering church before the service, the preacher had a suddeninspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had thecongregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, someof he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husbandhas EVER given!"
She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big buthe's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and onceafter, and he fell off both times!"
French hunters love grapefruit...
French hunters love grapefruit. It's what lets them pump le moose.Lego Reopening
Good news, the Lego store has reopened...
People are lined up for blocks!
The strong young man at the co...
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."The wise old Mother Superior f
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
Spider Jokes 02
What is a spiders favorite TV show?
The newly web game!
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?
Your spinning me a yarn here!
What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose?
I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!
Why are spiders like tops?
They are always spinning!
What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre?
A spinning wheel!
What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?
Four anti road protesters?
What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
Darn it!
What do you call a big irish spider?
Paddy long legs!
What is red and dangerous?
Strawberry and tarantula jelly!
A young executive was leaving ...
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
Impressions
HOW ...
Impressions
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her
respect her
honor her
cuddle her
kiss her, caress her
love her, stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine and dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
hold her
go to the ends of the Earth for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked
Bring food & beer
