Popular jokes (25801 to 25815)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Girl: You would be a good dan...
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Knock Knock Collection 202
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zippy!
Zippy who?
Mrs Zippy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zizi!
Zizi who?
Zizi when you know how!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zone!
Zone who?
Zone shadow scares him!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zookeeper!
Zookeeper who?
Zookeeper away from me!
Knock Knock Collection 002
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Funny jokes-Strange name
Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."
Bridegroom: "Dear, we've been
Bridegroom: "Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?"Bride: "But darling, we are alone, aren't we?"
Bridegroom: "What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?"
Bride: "MY mother? I thought she was YOUR mother!!!"
What does that one do?
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Husbands Sneaking Home
While leaving a poker party that lasted much longer than it was supposed to, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone." "You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, 'How ’bout a little?' and she pretends to be asleep."Calling Technical Support
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our
technicians are currently busy helping people who are even
less competent than you, so please hold for the next
available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit
product identification number on to your telephone, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret
compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to
prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11
3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your
original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend
that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at
some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM
disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in
order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely
event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful
customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,
please call the company that sent you the computer and ask
them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,
fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they
recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while
you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing
while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected
and blackballed from further communication with Technical
Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we
all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order
to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to
know more about you and your equipment. Have you called
Technical Support before? If you have, please press the
numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using
the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am
confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the
technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all
of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that
to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may
now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to
the technician about your problem and risking the possibility
that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask
yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is
dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before
utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.
Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I
consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on
the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek
cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing
for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central
processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really
be so bored that you have to call technical support just to
have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be
aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number
of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as
the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access
erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you
would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!
Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to
lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may
jump you ahead of several other callers. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been
overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in
line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected
again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic
sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die
from a massive frustration attack combined with severe
dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,
please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in
its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down
its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from
our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve
your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical
problems arise.
12 things a man can do a...
12 things a man can do at K-Mart ... while his wife is taking her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Home-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: "Code 3 in House wares!" and see what happens.
4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
5. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me ALONE!
8. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
9. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
10. In the Motor Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
11. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME! PICK ME!
12. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOO! It's those voices again!"
The First Stone
Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people."He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone."
Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
"Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!"
Santa's Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Same Songs Again?
The church service was over. The pastor stood at the door shaking hands with the people as he left. A woman shook his hand and said, “You know what? I don’t think I’ll come back anymore. Every time I come, either you sing ‘He Arose’ or ‘Silent Night, Holy Night.’
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
