Popular jokes (26011 to 26025)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
One More Wish
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, “And what will your third wish be?”The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?”
“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”
“Okay,” said the man, “I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.”
“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. “That was your first wish, too!”
Never Say It At Work
TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
Blonde Miracle Diet
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
“Before becoming a ph
“Before becoming a philosopher, Kant worked quality control on a vineyard. His most famous book is 'The Critique of Pure Raisin.'”
It's a nasty day, and a g...
It's a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for speeding.The cop says, "Isn't it kind of dumb to be driving so fast in this storm?"
The driver says, "Who's dumb? You're the one who's standing out in the rain."
The Book
Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.
“She even called me every dirty name in the book!” I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.
One said to the other, “There's a book?”
Writing letters to son
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?"
Two golfing friends were about...
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball."Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
The Bear
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
Perfume brands
As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".
Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."
Paul F. Tompkins: Letter to the Editor
What I dont understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.It was a really hot day at the...
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."
An overweight man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
