Popular jokes (25996 to 26010)

Time For The Wedding

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A young man was in town lookin

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.
When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.
The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Traveling on Friday

Q: If a cowboy rides into town on Friday, and three days later, he leaves on Friday, how does he do it?
A: The horses name is Friday.

After a quarrel, a wife said t...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." 

Saved from Choking

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My

son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone!

Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was

quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with

almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around

the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The

man then went back to his table as though nothing had

happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a

paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

A guy enters a drugstore and l...

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says, "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place."

A bit bewildered, the guy answers, "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."

The owner quietly replies, "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"

“Money launderers are

“Money launderers are filthy rich!”

Angry Drivers Meet

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

Switched cocks

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Teachers
Three college

Teachers
Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

The key...

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

Two men, moderately proficient...

Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."

The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?"

The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"

Pool

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Put your hand down its pocket and tickle its balls!

Nuclear holocaustr...

Nuclear holocaust: when your family confronts you in an auditorium.

Sally & Brenda

Sally and Brenda (both blondes) exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key, which was in the ignition.

Realizing the mistake, Sally asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."

"No, that won't work" answered Brenda. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Sally suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Brenda. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Sally, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"