Popular jokes (26176 to 26190)

The juggler...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Company picnic...

A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"

“When the statistics ...

“When the statistics professor and the math professor wrote a cookbook together, they called it 'Pi A La Mode.'”

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

“We ran out of lettuc

“We ran out of lettuce today. My sister said there was none romaining.”

Upon retiring from the service...

Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn't at all quiet about it.

"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."

"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly.

"Then bring us a better face!"

Little Harold was practicing t

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Disco's Dead

Q: How did disco die?

A: In the disco inferno.

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

Grandpa was reminiscing about

Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days...
"When I was a lad, Ma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar bill, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and a half dozen eggs.
You can't do that now! Too many security cameras!"

Lawyers Brains

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

"How's the mouth? asked the de...

"How's the mouth? asked the dentist, when Mr McDonald came for his check up.

Why are electricians so clever...

Why are electricians so clever?

My personal attempts to re-cre...

My personal attempts to re-create a black hole have met with abyssal failure.

Why Helicopters are Better than Women

1. A helicopter will kill you quickly . . . a woman takes

her time.

2. Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. A helicopter does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection.

5. Helicopters come with manuals.

6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits.

7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month.

8. Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9. Helicopters don't whine unless something is really

wrong.

10. Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters

you have flown.

11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the

same time.

12. Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters,

or if you buy helicopter magazines.

13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your helicopter.