Popular jokes (26191 to 26205)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
You Might Be A Redneck If 56
You might be a reneck if...
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
Q: What do cars eat on their t...
Q: What do cars eat on their toast?A: Petroleum jelly.
Life choices...
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
A man and his wife were making
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."
Three bad bowls in a row, aka ...
Three bad bowls in a row, aka a ‘gutterball turkey'.Japanese Food
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
A blonde, a redhead, and brune...
A blonde, a redhead, and brunette decided to go on a hike. The redhead said, "I brought water, so in case we get thirsty, we will have something to drink." And she started up the hill.The brunette said, "I brought food, so in case we get hungry, we will have something to eat." And she started up the hill.
The brunette and the redhead turned around and asked the blonde, "What'd you bring?"
The blonde said, "I brought a car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window.
The habit...
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."
Time For The Wedding
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
The traveling evangelist ...
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"
Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:
"Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"
Scary Collection 39
A skeleton joke
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
A werewolf joke
Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!
A ghost joke
How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!
A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?
Boney M!
A vampire joke
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!
A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!
A werewolf joke
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!
A young man was in town lookin
A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.
The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
A customer visits a computer s
A customer visits a computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging," he says."Well," replies the shop assistant, "Have you tried Windows 10?"
