Popular jokes (286 to 300)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Better than money
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Gilbert Gottfried: Spoke to the Animals
A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.
A mathematician leaves a conference only to find...
A mathematician leaves a conference only to find that the last train has gone.Being a devout Christian, he falls to his knees and prays: "God, if it lies within your will, please send me a way to get home tonight!".
To his astonishment, there is a swirl of ethereal music, and an angel descends from the clouds, and moments later a shiny black Audi appears where it wasn't before. "Hail, thou who has found favour with the Lord!" proclaims the angel. "Here is your way home" - and the angel hands him the keys to the Audi.
An hour or so later, the mathematician is parking outside his house, and he once again kneels and prays, "Lord, who has heard my prayer and been gracious unto me, I now ask that you take back this gift. I only wanted to get home, and you have done all that I could have asked - so let me not be tempted by the desire for material gains."
There is another swirl of ethereal music, and a still more glorious creature appears. The mathematician bows reverently, and says "Have I the honour of addressing Michael, or are you Gabriel?"
"Why do you ask?" says the radiant figure.
"Because," says the mathematician, "if you are here to undo the function of an angel, you must be an arcangel."
Three old men were sitting aro...
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Why is the letter B so cool?
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
This joke is around for a while in many versions, but this exact wording is by Reddit user DrumSpace
Donkeys at Christmas
Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
A: Mule-tide greetings.
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time...
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time.Because sin90= cot 45
A doctor lacking empathy - Friday fun, black humor joke
A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.
'"Good news: the procedure was successful.But the road to recovery will be tough. She'll need intensive rehab for years, setting you back about $3,000 a month.'
The husband starts to get worried.
'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future. There might be follow-up surgeries, which insurance won't cover. That's another potential $105,000 to $200,000.
The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $35,000, you should manage.'
The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate.
The surgeon offers a comforting hand and says,
'Don't worry dude,I was just kidding.
She's dead!'
Pig In A Bar
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Margin of Error
Here’s some advice... At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
