Popular jokes (286 to 300)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
True Happiness
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"
Conveyor Belt Job
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"
Short jokes to start weekend with laughs
My fiancé and I wanted to get married at the public library.
But they told us it was all booked up!
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!
My son picked his nose and wiped it on me.
He said it was funny. I told him it was snot.
I tried to order some tennis balls online but the site keeps crashing…
I guess the server must be down!
My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.
14 Jokes to brighten your day
A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?
What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.
I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.
A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.
The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.
A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'
Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!
What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'
Ant jokes, lighter jokes, and few more
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin
I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
A trucker came into a truck st...
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
A doctor lacking empathy - Friday fun, black humor joke
A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery. Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him. '"Good news: the procedure was successful.But the road to recovery will be tough. She'll need intensive rehab for years, setting you back about $3,000 a month.' The husband starts to get worried. 'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future. There might be follow-up surgeries, which insurance won't cover. That's another potential $105,000 to $200,000. The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $35,000, you should manage.' The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The surgeon offers a comforting hand and says, 'Don't worry dude,I was just kidding.
She's dead!'
7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter
I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"
I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use
People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"
My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again
Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash
Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.
I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it
Pulling On A Chain
Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain.
The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?"
The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"
20 math jokes to make you laugh
I poured my root beer into a square glass...
Now I have a beer
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
What do you call a bunch of guys who love math?
Alge-bros!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
It was over 90 degrees!
How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.
What's a math teacher's favorite kind of tree?
Geometry.
Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
It improved di-vision.
Who's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.
Why doesn't anybody talk to circles?
Because there's no point.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
Why was the obtuse triangle always upset?
Because it's never right.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the two 4s skip lunch?
They already 8!
How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s!
Why was math class so long?
The teacher kept going off on a tangent.
Do you know what's odd?
Every other number!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Which king loved fractions?
Henry the ⅛.
Have you heard the one about the statistician?
Probably.
What do you call a number that can't sit still?
A roamin' numeral!
Broccoli
A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."
Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"
