Popular jokes (286 to 300)

A trucker came into a truck st...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Parrot Talk

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

Looking For A New Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

Pulling On A Chain

Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain.
The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?"
The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"

A man walks into a bar and says - 4 drinks please

The Bartender asks "Rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay", the Bartender says "Well everyone has their own path".

The next day the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is gay", the Bartender says "Well that's his choice".

On the third day, the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender says "My god, another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay", the Bartender says "It's totally up to him who he's attracted to".

The fourth day comes around, and the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Doesn't anyone in your family like Women?", the man replies

"Yeah, my Wife does."

Wifi Password

Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M

At the pharmacy

A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Ant jokes, lighter jokes, and few more

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin

I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer

How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…

Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Spelling Lesson

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

All the organs of the body wer...

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge.

The Forgotten Name

Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

On A Safari

Mr. and Mrs. Morrison were on a safari in Africa.
As they were walking through the jungle, a huge lion comes creeping out towards them, ready to pounce.
"Shoot!" Mrs. Morrison screamed to her husband. "Shoot!!"
"I can't!" he yelled back. "I'm all out of film!"

7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it

Peanut butter puns

I don't think any would stick. I shouldn't be spreading such bad puns and drive everyone nuts. Any one butter than me?

Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I`m not teling you. You might spread it!

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Because she`s nuts!

How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? They spread for the bread.

I told my girlfriend I was breaking up with her because she had peanut butter legs. She asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Your legs are nice and smooth and easy to spread like peanut butter."

What`s the feepng you get after popshing a peanut? Post nut clarity.

Why are peanuts afraid of going out? They`re afraid of getting a-salted.

When can peanuts laugh? When you crack them up!

What kind of sandwiches do sharks eat? Peanut butter and Jellyfish

Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? The Shell station!

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut!

What did applesauce say to peanut butter? You`re Nutty!

Photo by Corleto Peanut butter on Unsplash