Popular jokes (301 to 315)

Broccoli

A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."

Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."

Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"

Who said English is easy?

Who said English is easy? Fill this blank with “Yes” or “No”.

On A Safari

Mr. and Mrs. Morrison were on a safari in Africa.
As they were walking through the jungle, a huge lion comes creeping out towards them, ready to pounce.
"Shoot!" Mrs. Morrison screamed to her husband. "Shoot!!"
"I can't!" he yelled back. "I'm all out of film!"

A car gets pulled over for inspection because...

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

officer: why were you driving so slow?

the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

officer: are you okay? what's the problem?

passenger: we just got off the US-160

Johnny Depp jokes

June the 9th is Johnny Depp’s Birthday!
Wish him happy birthday with these jokes.

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case
or was it…
misheard​​?

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp​​.

What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me​.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?
They don't like Heards​.

Johnny Depp's the one guy ...
that could have used an Amber alert​​.

Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?
Because he now has "Heard immunity"​.

What is Johnny Depp’s go-to workout video?
Pilates of the Caribbean

There were five people aboard...

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Lay you or Jack off

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.

After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.

One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."

Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a headache."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

A blonde and a redhead have a...

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Green Grape Says

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

Bible Jokes - Two for One

Did you know that camel cigarettes are mentioned in the Bible?
Genesis 24:64 (KJV)
And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
———
Honda cars are also in the Bible! They’re so quiet, they’re good for praying in.

Acts 1:14 (KJV)
These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.

A man is dating three women an

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Jokes to Impress Girlfriend

What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.

If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket?
Because you've got fine written all over you.

You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after I have been binge-watching Netflix.

What did one raspberry say to the other?
I love you berry much.

Is your name Wi-Fi?
Because I feel a connection.

What did the magnet say to the fridge?
You're attractive.

Can I borrow a kiss from you?
I promise you that I will give it back.

Wait! Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready.
Okay, go!

Knock knock.

Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you stunning!

I believe in following my dreams.
Can I have your Instagram?
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese, you're awfully cute!

My therapist and I have been trying to figure out why I seem to have lost my mind.
Then I realized that it's all your fault.
I'm crazy for you.

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!

What did the calculator say to the pen?
You can always count on me!

Why did the Melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! Somebody call the cops because it's got to be illegal to look that good!

What did the squirrel say to its lover?
I'm nuts for you!

Now, what's on the menu?
Me-n-u

Why shouldn't you break up with a goalie?
Because they're a keeper.

What did the two prunes call their dinner plans?
A date.

Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?

Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?

They say kissing is a love language.
Do you want to start a conversation?

You must be a banana because you're very a-peeling.

I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

Ouch! I must have scraped my knee falling for you.

Are you the sun?
Because my whole world revolves around you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

[Sneeze as you walk by them] Oh no need to bless me.
God already did by putting you in my life.

Do I know you?
Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Hey.
I'm an unemployed guy with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring, and a degree in kissing.
Do you have a job for me?

30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes

Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.

Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.

Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.

Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room

Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under

Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.

Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs

Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.

Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume

Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin

Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!

Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.

Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.

Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage

Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer

Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula

Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary

Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop

Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead

Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!

Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it

Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.

Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull

Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone

Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.

Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones

Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus

Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points

Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.

Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone

Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.

Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him

Two fish in tank...

Two fish in tank, one turns to the other and ask, "Do you know how to drive this thinh?"