Popular jokes (301 to 315)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Ant jokes, lighter jokes, and few more
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin
I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Dog playing piano
It is World Piano Day!
A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog – he plays the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the man puts the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and then he plays some rock 'n' roll. The bartender and patrons are amazed.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the man, "What was that all about?"
The man replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
Boy I'm Glad To See You
A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man. Dropping his rifle, he threw his arms around the other's neck and screamed, "Boy am I glad to see you! I've been lost in these woods for three days!"
"Restrain yourself," cautioned the other sadly, "I've been lost here for a week."
Ex-wife jokes
my ex-wife still misses me
but her aim is getting better!
i tried to remarry my ex wife
she figured I was only after my money
I swapped my wife's lipstick with super glue
She's still not talking to me
12 pirate jokes
1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!
2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.
3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.
4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.
5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.
6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.
7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."
8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!
9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.
10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.
12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
A man accidentally wires $500,000 to ...
A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account. He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back." The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads:
Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits.
About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back:
Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested.
Identifying A Bald Eagle
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner...
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
One day God was looking down a...
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED !!"
Who said English is easy?
Who said English is easy? Fill this blank with “Yes” or “No”. 
