Popular jokes (301 to 315)

Lay you or Jack off

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.

After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.

One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."

Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a headache."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

12 pirate jokes

1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!

2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.

4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.

5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.

6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.

7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."

8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!

9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.

10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.

11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.

12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!

An angry cowboy walks into a saloon

"Who painted my horse green?!" he screams.
All the patrons awkwardly stare around at each other. No one answers.
"I said, who. Painted. My horse. Green?" says the cowboy, now seriously pissed off.
The crowd is quietly murmuring, but still no answer.
Now in apoplexy the cowboy starts cursing and threatening, "WHO in the goddamn..."
He is interrupted by a 6'6" scarred and grizzled trapper.
In a deep, gruff voice he says "I did."
"... It uhh, it's dry now, if you'd like to varnish it"

Married 25 years, I took a loo...

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

A small family of three booked a flight to Kansas

They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off.

Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you with the rest of the luggage."

Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time, the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check your own child," they told him.

The father frowned at this, then asked, "What, are you telling me I'll have to carry on my wayward son?"

New Chemical Formula

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

Now What? (world's funniest joke)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". .

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." .

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. .

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" .

This is The "world's funniest joke", as by the THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE by Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002

The Winning joke, which was later found is based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan

Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash

Happy International Joke Day July the first!

Circle Flies

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Ant jokes, lighter jokes, and few more

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin

I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer

How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…

Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it

True Hospitality

True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home...
... all the while you really wish they WERE at home!

The ten commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

A Good Bottle of Wine

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour?
Twenty minutes?

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time...

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief, said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956...” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

One day God was looking down a...

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.