Popular jokes (301 to 315)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Are You Eating Right
A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."
Eiffel Tower jokes
It is Eiffel Tower Day today! The day marks the completion of the Eiffel Tower on this day in 1889!
I Tried To Climb The Eiffel Tower Once
But eiffel!
What do you call a tourist visiting the Eiffel Tower?
PariSites.
A blonde and a redhead have a...
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Johnny Depp jokes
June the 9th is Johnny Depp’s Birthday!
Wish him happy birthday with these jokes.
Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case
or was it…
misheard?
Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp.
What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me.
Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?
They don't like Heards.
Johnny Depp's the one guy ...
that could have used an Amber alert.
Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?
Because he now has "Heard immunity".
What is Johnny Depp’s go-to workout video?
Pilates of the Caribbean
A man is dating three women an
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.
10 International Dance Day Jokes
April 29th is International Dance Day! Find related jokes about it:1. How many dancer teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five! Six! Seven! Eight!
2. What did the ballet dancer say when her shoe was stollen?
This is pointe-less!
3. What do you call dancing by the sink?
Tap dancing.
4. What’s a chip’s favorite dance?
The salsa!
5. Why is it so easy to talk to ballet dancers?
They always get right to the pointe!
6. What did the dancer feel after a week of non-stop rehearsals?
The agony of de-feet.
7. Why should you never dance with horses?
Because they have two left feet.
8. How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
9. How does a dancer multiply a number by itself?
She jazz squares it!
10. What’s an owl’s favorite kind of dance?
The hooooooola!
What's with the nuts?
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Worcestershire sauce incident joke
A truck brimming with Worcestershire sauce meanders through the quaint Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Anglesey, en route to Rhosllannerchrugog in Wrexham. Unexpectedly, it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
Veering uncontrollably, the truck subsequently smashes into a car from Llanfihangel Tre’r Beirdd, injuring two otorhinolaryngologists inside. As one, already grappling with Schistosomiasis, succumbs to a myocardial infarction, an bystander, dialing emergency services on his Huawei, hastily reports the chaotic scene. The dispatcher inquires, "Can you tell me what happened?"
He responds, "It's hard to say."
Lay you or Jack off
Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.
Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a headache."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Young man and duck
For a boy's 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, "Go into town and see what you can get with this."The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find. He first ran into a hooker who offered, "I'll have sex with you if you give me the duck." He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, "If you do it again, I'll give you the duck back."
He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.
Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck.
The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.
When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he received for the duck.
His reply: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!"
30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.
Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.
Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room
Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under
Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.
Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs
Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume
Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin
Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!
Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.
Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.
Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage
Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer
Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula
Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary
Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop
Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead
Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!
Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.
Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones
Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus
Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him
Donkeys at Christmas
Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
A: Mule-tide greetings.
