Popular jokes (2881 to 2895)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The man told his doctor that h...
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".
An attorney arrived home late...
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
Job Interview
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?
He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd crapped in my pants!"
He got the job.
Offer, Retracted.
A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."
An old man who loves to fish...
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
One day, a blonde went to the...
One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned. The doctor asked, "What happened?" The blonde said, "Well, I was ironing my husband's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!" The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The blonde answered, "They called back."
My memory
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
Late for Work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
Who Is Calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
Question And Answer
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
I may not be the most important person
I may not be the most important person in your life, but ... Jesus and Moses playing golf
Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.
Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water;
"I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"
Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....
Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"
Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.
"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.
A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"
April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people
1. Hide an alarm clock in someone’s bedroom and set it for 3:00 a.m. 2. Remove the shower head and place a Lifesavers candy in it, then put the head back on.
3. Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
4. Rearrange somebody’s drawers or file cabinets in a different order.
5. Tape magnets to the bottom of a cup, put it on the roof of your car and drive around.
A young man proposes marriage...
A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" "Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."
