Popular jokes (31006 to 31020)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A shocking anniversary
A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and they make love like never before!
Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."
The woman says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!"
Genocidal clan killings in Afr
Genocidal clan killings in Africa? Don't get me started on a die a tribe!After centuries of procrastina
After centuries of procrastinating, mankind finally invented the lazer.Snow today
Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." and then the electricity goes out in the middle of the sentence.
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
An elderly couple was in bed o...
An elderly couple was in bed one night, and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.She said, "I had a dream that I died, and you got remarried." She asked him, "if I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?" He said, "Sure, I dont want to spend the rest of my life lonely."
Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?" He replied, "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."
She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"
He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive; there's no reason to rid of it."
She asked irately, "Well, would she use my golf clubs?" He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."
My Dear Sirs;
In repl...
My Dear Sirs;In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.
Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.
I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.
I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.
For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.
My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.
Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!
All I Want for Chris
I'll give you a nice long wet kiss To start off our yule tide bliss Then once I've romanced ya It's time I depantsed ya By whipping your zipper like this!Visiting The Lawyer
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.
While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.
He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.
Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.
So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"
Polar Bear
2 polarbers are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your monther. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I dont know about u but I am freezing"
one liner jokes
Q. What's the difference between an Puerto Rican and a computer?
A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q. What do you call a field full of Puerto Rican?
A. A vacant lot.
Smarter than a kid
Trying to sound smarter then a 6 year old, I explained, "When the light from the Sun hits the moon and reflects back, we are able to see the light. It's the same as - when you look into a mirror and the light reflects back your image and you can see yourself." I was feeling proud for sounding intelligent.
The boy promptly replied, "Mrs. Jones, I do not glow like the moon in the mirror, so how does it glow?"
Well, he had me there and I managed to say, "That's the reason why your parents are sending you to school, so you can find out and tell me."
As a boy Jack Benny practiced
As a boy Jack Benny practiced faithfully on his violin each day. One Saturday a dog passed by and started howling dolefully under the window.His father shouted downstairs, "For pity's sake, Jack, can't you play some piece the dog doesn't know!"
