Popular jokes (31021 to 31035)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Reminiscing the past
A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."
Archaeologists say they’ve discovered the toilet used by Jesus. Which is a loo de Christ claim. #joke #short
An organization is like a tree...
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
A woman on the phone to her fr...
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.Business One-liners 83
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't!
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most projects require three hands.
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
Breaking the News is Worth a Beer
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steves body, Bob volunteers to inform Steves wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms. Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack? Steves wife gave it to me! What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack? Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steves widow. And, she said she wasnt, so I said Id bet her a six-pack she was!An out-of-towner drove his car...
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
3 dogs
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'
The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'
'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
'So what are you here for?' they asked.
'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'
The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'
'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'
An old lady is very upse...
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
Where are children most snug i...
Where are children most snug in bed? Kentucky.If you had 11 roses in your ar...
If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked in the mirror;You would see the twelve most gorgeous things in the world.
What is a man's idea of doing ...
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can sweep underneath.An employee goes to his boss a...
An employee goes to his boss and says, "I've been doing the work of three men for the last 5 years, I deserve a raise!"The boss replies, "I can't give you a raise, but if you tell me who the other two guys are I'll fire them."
