Popular jokes (3196 to 3210)

Did You Know that in 2007 Mel Brooks

Started Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'
November 2007
NEW YORK—Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word 'schmuck.'
An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday.
'Schmuck is dying,' a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. 'For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.''The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary 'schmuck' usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word 'schmuck' have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times—17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word 'jerk' than 'schmuck,' 100 times more likely to use 'dick,' and 15,000 times more likely to use 'fucking asshole.'
The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary 'schmuck' usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word 'schmuck' have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times—17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word 'jerk' than 'schmuck,' 100 times more likely to use 'dick,' and 15,000 times more likely to use 'fucking asshole.'
Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1.2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as 'imbecile,' 'dummy,' 'schlub,' and 'contemptible ne'er-do-well' will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies.
'We must save this word!' Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting 'Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!' 'How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks.'

Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton, FL demonstration to show their support for the dying word.
'I've never told anyone this before,' Brooks added, choking back tears, 'but my father was a schmuck.'
The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating 'schmuck' into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word 'schmuck,' the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film.

A man is at work one day when...

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

Overcharged? Sue for m

Overcharged? Sue for mal feesance.

John Caparulo: Airport Security Inspection

I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... They made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, Youre a dick, dude. I cant believe you -- thats too far.

Piano Tuner Visit

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”

A man walked into a bar and or...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

How did the blonde die drinkin...

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
- The cow fell on her.

Your Brother Named Them

A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins.

At the hospital the lady was in such pain she had to be sedated.

A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children.

"Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?"

The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named them."

"Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he call the little girl then?"

"Denise." replied the doctor.

"Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful! So what did he call the little boy?"

"De-nephew, of course!"

A doctor at an insane asylum d...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

Math Teacher

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"

In light of the rising frequen...

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

The man told his doctor that h...

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

Why did the city build a graveyard...

Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?
A: So all the old people can see there futures!

Three Irishmen and Three Scots are on a train

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman.

Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."