Popular jokes (32011 to 32025)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Fortune cookie saying #12: Goo...
Fortune cookie saying #12: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Leak
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
And the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Brewery accident...
Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.
"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."
"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.
"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."
"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."
"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."
Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"
Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."
"NO?"
"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."
The brilliance of humanity...
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick uptheir car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
A Few Laughs for You
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
Ponderings Collection 25
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?
Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Sex Related Medical Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's
an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple
orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and
near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and
sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous
fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply
throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty
kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper
body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from
damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate
manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see
a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach,
especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash
before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it
stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
(wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example)
builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three
to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference
between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every
10,000 strokes.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker ...
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man than for a woman? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.Would you please help me...
Would you please help me I bought a 10 pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?
“Just a minute,” the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.
“Oh, thank you,” she said. “You've been a big help. Good-bye!”
Three weeks after her wedding
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister."Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
“Yesterday I was on t...
“Yesterday I was on the computer, I couldn't find the Esc and I lost Ctrl.”
The mirror...
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"
