Popular jokes (32056 to 32070)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 76

Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?

A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!


Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.


Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to 100.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying "Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these? I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.

A newcomer to the political sc...

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman. Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"

"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.

"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

What kind of dog has four legs...

What kind of dog has four legs and one arm?

What Was The Problem Before?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

“The defendant in a c...

“The defendant in a coffee theft trial refused to testify on the grounds that could incriminate him.”

When you post graffiti on my w

When you post graffiti on my wall, it's deFacebook.

“Popeye had just fini...

“Popeye had just finished plucking a goose when a gust of wind scattered all of the feathers. He said, 'Well, blow me down.'”

Commercial Christmas

Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial

1. You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
   
2. Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
   
3. Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
   
4. The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
   
5. Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
   
6. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
   
7. WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
   
8. Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
   
9. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
   
10. Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
    
11. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
    
12. $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
    
13. Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
    
14. The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
    
15. Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
    
16. Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
    

Steven Wright 18

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."

Steven Wright 26

All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.

A guy walks into a bar, sits a...

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bar tender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk

State Puns

Q: Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?
A: I don't know, Alaska.

It was mealtime during a fligh

It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.