Popular jokes (32041 to 32055)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
An Antartian boy and his fathe...
An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Quiet in church...
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
You know you're too fat ... if...
You know you're too fat ... if you step on a scale and the reading says, "To be continued."Four best friends met at the h...
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
The drunken defendant appears ...
The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years."Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"
Tuscany is a s...
Tuscany is a slum! Everyone lives in chianti-towns. And I don't mean to grape, but in some French regions, all the houses are bordeauxed up. What a bunch of vine-os - the lowest of the Merlot!Groups of Americans were trave...
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!
Answering Machine Message 190
Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
Two ministers
Two ministers died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says," I'd like to get you in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to earth until it's ready, but you can go back as anything you want.
The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be a eagle soaring above our beautiful earth."
"And I have always wanted to be a stud!" said the second.
"So be it " says St. Peter and "POOF", the ministers disappear.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and St. peter asked his assistant to recall the two ministers.
"How will I find them?" the assistant askes.
"One is easy, he's soaring over the Grand Canyon right now" says St. Peter.
"The other may be tough to locate though, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."
Sex Related Medical Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's
an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple
orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and
near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and
sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous
fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply
throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty
kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper
body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from
damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate
manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see
a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach,
especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash
before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it
stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
(wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example)
builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three
to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference
between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every
10,000 strokes.
Twenty inflexible rules in the office
1. Never challenge the boss. He is always right.
2. If the Boss is mistaken, see rule # 1.
3. Those who work hard always get more work. Others enjoy pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. denotes "Pull Him Down". The more capable, hardworking and dedicated you are, the more number of people will be involved in pulling you down.
5. If you are good, you will get a lot of work. If you are very good, you will get out of it.
6. When the Boss talks about improving productivity, he never includes his own self.
7. What you do in not important, what matters is what you say you have done and what you will be doing.
8. A pat on the back is only inches away from a kick in the behind.
9. Don't be indispensable. If you cannot be dispensed with, you cannot be promoted.
10. The more crap you take, the more you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
12. When you don't know what is to be done, walk fast and look concerned.
13. You cannot get work done by following rules.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
15. A lot can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
16. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are meant to be doing.
18. It is not essential to know your job in order to get promoted.
19. You only need to pretend that you know your job to get promoted.
20. All the blame for any situation can be put on the last person who resigned or was fired.
Two cows....
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
