Popular jokes (32101 to 32115)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Mr. T has no patience for bead...
Mr. T has no patience for beady-eyed French lunatics. As he says himself, “Oeil petit les foux”#joke #short
What Should They Get?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
#joke #lawyer
True Stupid Stories 02
Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.
A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)
AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.
Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.
Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.
The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.
Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)
A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.
More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.
Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)
Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)
Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.
Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.
And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
A couple celebrated their 25th...
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
Business one-liners 48
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
#joke
How Did You...?
Swami Mahahaharaj: Tickle, how did you gain all your wisdom?
Tickel Nhat Hahn: By listening. A person learns much more by listening than by speaking.
Swami Mahahaharaj: I'm sorry. What?
#joke #short
Blonde Phone Call
"Hi Mom, How are you?""Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault.Dad told me to find a Black & Decker ."
If you're at a loss for
If you're at a loss for words, don't worry, it's just aphasia.#joke #short
A mother carefully explained t...
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
#joke #mother
Clever elderly gentleman
Three old men - Jack, Roland & Nicholas were talking about what their grandkids would be mentioning about them fifty years from then.
Jack said, "I would like my grandchild to say, 'He was a successful businessman'".
Roland, the sentimental gentleman said, "I want my grandchildren to remember me as a loyal family man".
Then Jack asked Nicholas, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Well" replied Nicholas, "I want my grandkids to say 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"
Jack said, "I would like my grandchild to say, 'He was a successful businessman'".
Roland, the sentimental gentleman said, "I want my grandchildren to remember me as a loyal family man".
Then Jack asked Nicholas, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Well" replied Nicholas, "I want my grandkids to say 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"
#joke
Alamo
Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to capture the Alamo?So they could have four clean walls to write on.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
#joke #short
Hair
Your hair is so nappy ever time you comb it somebody get shot at.#joke #short
