Popular jokes (32311 to 32325)

Monster Valentine

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentines? Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you. Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

Mail order....

An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Caught and Tagged

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrots neck.
Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar and says, I see she caught you at it, too.

Five surgeons were takin...

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

How can you tell when a politi...

How can you tell when a politician is lying to you? His lips move.

A secretary was leaving the of...

A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

“Surprises is the kni...

“Surprises is the knight in charge of awards.”

A GOOD REASON NOT TO FLI...

A GOOD REASON NOT TO FLIRT

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Do people in castles suffer fr...

Do people in castles suffer from Turrets Syndrome?

Scrabble (or People with...

Scrabble (or People with a Lot of Time on Their Hands

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

"Mommy, one of the kids a...

"Mommy, one of the kids at school called me a sissy."

"So what did you do, Zachary?"

"I hit him with my purse!"

A few pick-up lines...

Guy- Are you from Tennessee?
Girl- No why?
Guy- Because youÂ’re the only 10 I see.

Whoever made the alphabet was wrong because U & I should be together.

You must be tired 'cause you've been runnin' through my mind all day!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?

If the only way I can be with you is in my dreams, then let me sleep forever.

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got 'fine' written all over you!

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Caution! I stop for gnomes, elves, pixies, unicorns, leprechauns, faeries, dragons, and other mystical creatures only I can see."