Popular jokes (32491 to 32505)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“Deep cuts were made ...
“Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry and heads rolled.”
A young woman brings a very yo...
A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder the baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today!"
Bumper Stickers 11
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
The college professor had just...
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?' As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. 'Well,' he responded, 'I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.'
Front Seat
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said: "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
When the policeman arrested th...
When the policeman arrested the furniture repairman, he claimed to be upholstering the law.Crayons
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
Short funny jokes-Dumbest actress
A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.
In South America, medicine is
In South America, medicine is so corrupt. Even joint replacement surgeries are controlled by the Columbian cartelage.What do you call Santa's helpe...
What do you call Santa's helpers?You gotta have faith...
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"
A guy was driving home one eve...
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
A city slicker moves to the co...
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”
