Popular jokes (32641 to 32655)

Sally was trying hard to get t...

Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

Grandpa, can you...?

A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

Great truths about life that adults have learned...

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Re-run

One fine afternoon at a golf course, two men were just finishing up the front nine when they decided to take a breather in the clubhouse. They went up to the lounge room and sat down and ordered a glass of beer. They started flipping thru the channels when they decided to watch the news. The first thing that was on was a woman about to comit suicide.

The first man says, "I bet you 100 dollars that she is gonna jump."

The second man, says, "OK, but I raise your 100 to 200 dollars saying she is not going to jump."

About four seconds after they were done making the bet, she leapt off the building, falling 17 stories, she hit the ground with a bone crunching sound.

As the loser of the bet started to get his wallet out of his back pocket the other man butted in to stop him.

"Listen, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier today and I knew she was gonna jump."

"So did I," the man said, I just didn't think she was dumb enough to do it again."

Do You Know Where You Were Going?

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

"How was your blind date?" a c...

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" answered the roommate. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car! What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

A Lewisman, planning a trip to...

A Lewisman, planning a trip to Edinburgh, telephoned the airline to ask how long the flight from Stornoway took.

Automotive Horror

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Vacation time for Earline #jokes #humor

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

A young woman brings a very yo...

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed." she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder the baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today!"

my friend and I were walking a...

my friend and I were walking around the annual Art Fest in Boston Mills, Ohio. Art shows such as this have several booths where artists display their wares for sale to the public.

As we were passing one booth, an artist was arranging an object d'art on his wall. A lady asked him, "How big is it?"

"Twenty inches." he replied.

She said, "It looks bigger than that."

The artist was silent for several moments. Then he said simply, "Men have been lying to you."

In the old days, dealing Viagr...

In the old days, dealing Viagra could get you hung. Phallus profits were taboo.

School in the Summertime

Youre like school in the summertime -- no class.

If I Only Had a Brain

What do you call a man without a brain?
Single or widowed!!

Write With Other Hand

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''