Popular jokes (32746 to 32760)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A city slicker moves to the co...
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"Embarrassing Compulsion...
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
Funny jokes-Painting job
Why are pirates so loud?...
Why are pirates so loud?Too Much Hunting
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
Work or play...
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Pussy Money
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000in the collection plate. This went on for weeks
until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached
her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that
you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week
my son sends me money, and what I don't need
I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how
much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do
for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does
he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in
Las Vegas and another in Reno."
One day a little girl was sitt...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do thedishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A man refused a drink in pub w...
A man refused a drink in pub was told it was because of the trouble he caused the night before.At last; a cause that I can really support!
A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”……………”No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”
Two burly blokes were in...
Two burly blokes were in the woods hunting deer. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a dump."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper." His mate replied, "You have 5 bucks, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got that. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He left and came back with brown stuff all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your backside with a couple of two-dollar coins, a fifty, two twenties and ten cent piece?"
A very loud Texan Engineer was...
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
