Popular jokes (32881 to 32895)

A little girl asked her mother...

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Don't jo...

Don't joke about Hillary Clinton and PMS - she's the Secretory of State!

A young girl came home from a ...

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

Before

Before priests are allowed to preach, they have to sign a wafer.

You Are In Trouble

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Cetaceans may end up lying hel...

Cetaceans may end up lying helpless on the beach whenever there are whale force winds.

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles...

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

The ...

The motivational speaker was fired. He was accused of causing too much strive.

Answering Machine Message 145

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

“When a woman returns...

“When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.”

Snake Solves Problem

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Heinz recently improved the re...

Heinz recently improved the recipe for there tomato sauce. The rest of the industry was left playing ketchup.

After a few days, the Lord cal...

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' "

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

Man with few words

Man on street asks women if she wanted to have sex. She replys back my house or yours? He replied back, if you want to argue about it forget it.

Teacher: Why are you late?
...

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."