Popular jokes (331 to 345)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Difference between a good girl and a bad girl
The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are more selective who they're bad with.Jokes to Impress Girlfriend
What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.
If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous.
Are you a parking ticket?
Because you've got fine written all over you.
You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after I have been binge-watching Netflix.
What did one raspberry say to the other?
I love you berry much.
Is your name Wi-Fi?
Because I feel a connection.
What did the magnet say to the fridge?
You're attractive.
Can I borrow a kiss from you?
I promise you that I will give it back.
Wait! Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready.
Okay, go!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you stunning!
I believe in following my dreams.
Can I have your Instagram?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese, you're awfully cute!
My therapist and I have been trying to figure out why I seem to have lost my mind.
Then I realized that it's all your fault.
I'm crazy for you.
Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What did the calculator say to the pen?
You can always count on me!
Why did the Melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! Somebody call the cops because it's got to be illegal to look that good!
What did the squirrel say to its lover?
I'm nuts for you!
Now, what's on the menu?
Me-n-u
Why shouldn't you break up with a goalie?
Because they're a keeper.
What did the two prunes call their dinner plans?
A date.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?
They say kissing is a love language.
Do you want to start a conversation?
You must be a banana because you're very a-peeling.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Ouch! I must have scraped my knee falling for you.
Are you the sun?
Because my whole world revolves around you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
[Sneeze as you walk by them] Oh no need to bless me.
God already did by putting you in my life.
Do I know you?
Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Hey.
I'm an unemployed guy with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring, and a degree in kissing.
Do you have a job for me?
An old man walks into a bar, s...
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Bible Jokes - Two for One
Did you know that camel cigarettes are mentioned in the Bible?
Genesis 24:64 (KJV)
And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
———
Honda cars are also in the Bible! They’re so quiet, they’re good for praying in.
Acts 1:14 (KJV)
These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.
Green Grape Says
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
True Hospitality
True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home...
... all the while you really wish they WERE at home!
Problem Teacher
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."
Why is the letter B so cool?
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
This joke is around for a while in many versions, but this exact wording is by Reddit user DrumSpace
When someone says to me great minds think alike
When someone says to me great minds think alike, i just look at them and think “You dirty bastard” Six fresh jokes
Six fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, "wow they be bonding."
My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."
I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.
Over The Hill
1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it.
2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up.
3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.
Grandpa, Did God Make You?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?” A husband and wife are moving...
A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!" Spelling Lesson
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
