Popular jokes (346 to 360)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Identifying A Bald Eagle
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.
Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!
Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso
Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.
Thanks a latte for me being my friend
You mocha me very happy.
You’re brew-ti-ful.
A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee and I are the perfect blend.
If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”
Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
It Kept On Defrosting
My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.
Hiring a new assistant
A business was hiring a new assistant. They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office: a dog, holding a newspaper. The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw. The manager, though intrigued, was skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:
" I need a someone who can use a computer."
Without hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.
Impressed, the manager continued, "Okay, but can you work with spreadsheets?"
The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generating graphs.
Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: "All that's impressive, but can you speak another language?"
The dog replied:"Meow"
A small family of three booked a flight to Kansas
They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off.Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you with the rest of the luggage."
Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time, the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check your own child," they told him.
The father frowned at this, then asked, "What, are you telling me I'll have to carry on my wayward son?"
Cat Scan
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Halloween, Thanksgiving and other Fall Jokes for kids
Halloween Jokes
1. Why did the cows turn into werewolves?
- It was a full moooooon.
2. Where do ghosts go on vacation?
- The boo-hamas.
3. What kind of monster loves disco?
- The boogieman.
4. How do you know a vampire has a cold?
- He starts coffin.
5. What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
- A hot dog.
6. Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
- You can see right through them.
Find more about Haloween on Haloween Jokes
Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Jack.
- Jack who?
- Jack o’lantern.
2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Ivan.
- Ivan who?
- Ivan to suck your blood.
3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Witches.
- Witches who?
- Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?
Knock-Knock and other Haloween Jokes can be found on page Haloween Jokes
Pumpkin Jokes
1. How did the little pumpkins cross the road?
- With the help of a crossing gourd.
2. How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
- With a pumpkin patch.
3. How does the pumpkin listen to music?
- On vine-yl.
4. What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?
- A life gourd.
5. Where do pumpkins hold business meetings?
- In the gourd-room.
6. What happens if you eat too much pumpkin pie?
- You get autumn-y ache.
Pumpkins are importan part of many Haloween Jokes
Fall Jokes
1. What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
- Straw-berries.
2. What did the scarecrow say when he lost all his stuffing?
- That was the last straw!
3. What is the cutest of seasons?
- Awww-tumn.
4. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
- Squash.
5. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
- To make up for his miserable summer.
6. Why are dads so good at fall puns?
- Because they’re so corny.
Thanksgiving Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Annie.
- Annie who?
- Annie-body want some pie?
2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any leftovers?
3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Pie.
- Pie who?
- Pie love you.
Knock-Knock and other Thanksgiving jokes on Thanksgiving Jokes
Thanksgiving Jokes
1. Why did the gravy get sent to bed early?
- For acting saucy at the table.
2. Why did the turkey get ejected from the basketball game?
- He committed a fowl.
3. Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving band perform?
- Somebody ate the drumsticks.
4. What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
- Yammies.
5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving?
- The tur-key.
6. What is the most mythical vegetable?
- A uni-corn.
Find more jokes about Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Jokes
Apple Jokes
1. Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
- It ran out of juice.
2. Why did the apple pie cross the road?
- It saw a fork up ahead.
3. Why did the apple join the circus?
- He loved the apple-ause.
4. Why did the apple pie cry?
- Its peelings were hurt.
5. What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar?
- “Leaf me alone!”
6. Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?
- They have such a high turnover rate.
Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter
I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"
I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use
People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"
My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again
Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash
Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.
I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it
True Hospitality
True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home...
... all the while you really wish they WERE at home!
Blocked and unfriended
Being blocked and unfriended by some people is like the trash taking itself out. Boy I'm Glad To See You
A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man. Dropping his rifle, he threw his arms around the other's neck and screamed, "Boy am I glad to see you! I've been lost in these woods for three days!"
"Restrain yourself," cautioned the other sadly, "I've been lost here for a week."
A man accidentally wires $500,000 to ...
A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account. He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back." The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads:
Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits.
About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back:
Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested.
