Popular jokes (346 to 360)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A farmer goes to the bank to a
A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
Really Good or Really Bad Future
3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad...
It's 5050!
Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Who said English is easy?
Who said English is easy? Fill this blank with “Yes” or “No”. Short jokes for sunny Tuesday
Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;
A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!
I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.
Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?
I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.
I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!
My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.
Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.
If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!
Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"
Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".
One day God was looking down a...
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
A penguin takes his car to the...
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.
Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!
Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso
Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.
Thanks a latte for me being my friend
You mocha me very happy.
You’re brew-ti-ful.
A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee and I are the perfect blend.
If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”
Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
Four old Catholic women sit an...
Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"
A man goes to confess and admits to committing all 7 deadly sins in a single day
He confesses, "I was trying to save up for my dream house, but someone bought it before I could. I got so furious and jealous that I disguised myself as a utility worker and went to his place while he was at work. I ended up seducing his wife, and while she was in the shower, I took all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then I raided the pantry, ate everything in sight, and took naps on and off until just before he came home."The priest asks, "And what about Pride? You seem to have left that one out."
The man replies, "Oh no, I'm very, very proud of myself!"
Use this one yourself
3 top surgeons are sitting in a bar in _fill_in_your_city_.One triumphantly says: “man, I still can’t believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.”
The second one says: “dude, that’s nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.”
“No way”, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.
Hiring a new assistant
A business was hiring a new assistant. They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office: a dog, holding a newspaper. The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw. The manager, though intrigued, was skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:
" I need a someone who can use a computer."
Without hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.
Impressed, the manager continued, "Okay, but can you work with spreadsheets?"
The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generating graphs.
Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: "All that's impressive, but can you speak another language?"
The dog replied:"Meow"
