Popular jokes (376 to 390)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
20 of the most groan-worthy Dad jokes
What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Bare foot.
What button is impossible to unbutton?
The belly button.
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans.
What is invisible and smells of worms?
A bird's fart.
What do you call a Minecraft celebration?
A block party.
Who is the best Kung Fu vegetable?
Brocco-Lee.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt?
A hot cross bunny.
What did the butt say to the other butt?
PTTTTT.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
He got stuck in a crack.
What's round and sounds like a trumpet?
A crumpet.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino‐SNORE.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Dug.
What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP?
Eggstensions.
What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change?
Exact Lee.
What do you call an apple that farts?
A fruity Tooty.
What is the best day to cook?
FRY-DAY.
What did the horse say when it fell?
GIDDYUP!
What do you receive when you ask a lemon to help?
Lemon aid
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go.
Dealing with stupid people
I've decided to add “extensive experience in dealing with stupid people” to my resume. That HAS GOT to be a marketable skill! That's Impossible
Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed…
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
A guy dies and goes to heaven
A guy dies and goes to heaven.He looks around and sees clocks.
He asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?"
He replies "OH, those are lie clocks, everytime you lie the hands move."
"Whose is that?"
"Mother Teresa's. Its never moved."
"How about that one?"
"Oh, thats Abe Lincoln's. Its moved a bit."
The man thinks awhile and asks,"What about [insert politician here]'s clock?"
"Oh that ones in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Cinderella was sad. She had no...
Cinderella was sad. She had no date to the big ball, and even if she did, she didn't have a dress the wear. Out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appears. The godmother says, "Cinderella, if you want to go to the ball, I can give you a dress, but I cannot give you a date. Do you want to go?""Yes, godmother, more than anything!" Cinderella says.
"Well, stand back and let me work" the godmother says.
BOOM!
Cinderella is now in a skimpy skin tight dress.
"Now Cinderella, if you are not home but 3 AM, then your pussy will turn into a pumpkin" the grandmother says. Not hearing what her godmother had said, Cinderella rushed to the ball.
At 3:30 AM the fairy godmother is pacing around the house wondering where Cinderella was. About 3:45 AM, Cinderella walks in with her hair all messed up. "Where have you been!" the godmother yells. "And why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?"
"Oh godmother," Cinderella says."I had the best time of my life. I had sex with this most attractive man".
"Well, that explains where you have been, but why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?" the godmother asks "What was this guys name?"
So Cinderella says, "Um, lets see, um, Oh yeah, his name was Peter Peter, um Oh yeah, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"
It's Not For Everyone
What is tact?
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
Who said English is easy?
Who said English is easy? Fill this blank with “Yes” or “No”. International Joke Day Jokes
International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.
Find funny short jokes here!
1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.
2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.
3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.
5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!
6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.
7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!
10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!
12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.
13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!
14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.
15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!
16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.
18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!
20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”
21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!
22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”
26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.
27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!
28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!
Three old men were sitting aro...
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
A Roll Of The Dice
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
I've Got One of Them
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?""Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private.
"DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!"
"SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention.
"That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?"
"SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
