Popular jokes (391 to 405)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Now What? (world's funniest joke)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". .
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." .
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. .
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" .
This is The "world's funniest joke", as by the THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE by Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002
The Winning joke, which was later found is based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan
Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash
Happy International Joke Day July the first!
Johnny Depp jokes
June the 9th is Johnny Depp’s Birthday!
Wish him happy birthday with these jokes.
Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case
or was it…
misheard?
Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp.
What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me.
Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?
They don't like Heards.
Johnny Depp's the one guy ...
that could have used an Amber alert.
Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?
Because he now has "Heard immunity".
What is Johnny Depp’s go-to workout video?
Pilates of the Caribbean
23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh
1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic
3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!
6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.
7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water
8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble
9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife
10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!
12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!
13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist
16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!
17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy
19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!
20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!
21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!
22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!
23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance
An old man walks into a bar, s...
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Boy I'm Glad To See You
A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man. Dropping his rifle, he threw his arms around the other's neck and screamed, "Boy am I glad to see you! I've been lost in these woods for three days!"
"Restrain yourself," cautioned the other sadly, "I've been lost here for a week."
New Chemical Formula
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
Can’t stick with a diet?
Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
By reddit user JquaterReddit
Teeth down there
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"What?? No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
Paying For His Mistake
A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner...
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
50/50
A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.
The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."
The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"
The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Don't confuse my personality with my attitude
Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who i am. My attitude depends on who you are. 
