Popular jokes (391 to 405)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
How many is a Brazilian?
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.
The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably.
Confused, her husband says: "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved."
"I know," the blonde says. "But how many is a Brazilian?"
A kindergarten student was hav...
A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...."
Now What? (world's funniest joke)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". .
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." .
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. .
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" .
This is The "world's funniest joke", as by the THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE by Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002
The Winning joke, which was later found is based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan
Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash
Happy International Joke Day July the first!
Deep Thoughts
1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
4. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
6. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
7. Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?
8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
11. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
13. Bad decisions make good stories.
14. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
15. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Working at a pickle factory
A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."
His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."
The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."
Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"
The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"
The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"
"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"
The man sobs, "She got fired, too."
A woman found out her husband was cheating...
A woman found out her husband was cheating.So she grabbed a large knife, intending to cut off his penis while he slept. She lifted the blanket and raised the knife over her head. But as she swung it down, he moved slightly and she ended up chopping off his leg instead.
The husband called the police, and they arrested her for assault and attempted murder. But given all the circumstances, the judge decided that she was only guilty of a misseddewiener.
International Joke Day Jokes
International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.
Find funny short jokes here!
1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.
2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.
3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.
5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!
6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.
7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!
10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!
12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.
13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!
14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.
15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!
16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.
18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!
20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”
21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!
22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”
26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.
27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!
28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!
Chatting with best friends
The best thing about chatting with best friends is that you don't need any emoticons to express your feelings… They already know it, feel it. 
Finally, A Good Trump Joke
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'
A man walks into a bar and orders a free drink
The bartender says "Sorry mate, you have to pay up. I can't just serve a free drink The man then whispers "I have a 10 inch pianist in my pocket, and he can play a little jig for you. If I can prove that, can I get the drink then?"
The bartender ponders, but then agrees. The man pulls out the pianist, and he plays "The Entertainer" before hopping back in the man's pocket. Baffled, the bartender gives him the promised free drink.
The man whispered "I also have a magic Genie, who was the one that gave me this pianist. If I let him grant you one wish, can I get another free drink?"
The bartender, already in shock over the tiny piano man in his pocket, agrees. The man pulls out a lamp, and out comes a Genie, ready to grant wishes.
The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!" And all of a sudden, a million ducks enter the bar.
"Ducks?! I didn't want ducks!" The bartender shouts. The man looks at him, dead in the eyes and says "You think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?"
Who pushed the forward button on my weekend
Alright… Who pushed the forward button on my weekend? 
