Popular jokes (406 to 420)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A young couple, just married...
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
Now What? (world's funniest joke)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". .
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." .
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. .
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" .
This is The "world's funniest joke", as by the THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE by Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002
The Winning joke, which was later found is based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan
Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash
Happy International Joke Day July the first!
The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2023 so far
Had my wedding recently.
I married a midwife, so she’s upgraded to a full wife.
~Ed Patrick
I hear the inventor of bubblewrap shoes has just popped his clogs.
~Olaf Falafel
People ask me about my anti-ageing secrets.
I use a phenomenal eye cream called Not Having Kids.
~Liz Guterbock
I drink decaf coffee.
I like my coffee how I like my men - missing everything I need.
~Sasha Ellen
How is everyone?
I just signed an NDA, so can't complain.
~Darren Walsh
Love is very powerful because it can make you look at a shirt and say,
'I wore that on our first date'
and completely forget you also wore it at a rectal exam
~Ian Smith
Family is important, because they’re the only people who know what you’ve been through,
and that’s because they caused half of it.
~Philipp Kostelecky
Men love fixing things.
Except themselves.
~Ollie Horn
I love buying alcohol from the self-service checkout.
I'm in a bad place, and I need to hear a voice say 'Someone is coming to help you'.
~Alexander Bennett
Minimum wage workers SHOULD be allowed to do as little as possible.
I got a pizza from Deliveroo, it turned up an hour late, wrong pizza, squashed in the box somehow and I said ‘good!’
That’s how it should be.
5 stars.
Big tip!
~Bilal Zafar
Photo credit Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com
New Secretary
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!" Imagination
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
Beatles Jokes
June 25th is Global Beatles Day! Find some jokes about Beatles!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to their barbecue?
Because he always took the drumsticks!
How can you tell if you have an authentic Beatles shirt?
When it has a Ringo round the collar.
What is John Lennon’s favorite time?
9:10 because it’s one after 909.
What do you call a man who hangs out with a lot of musicians?
Ringo Starr.
#globalbeatlesday #beatlesday
16 Jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day!
April 26th is Hug an Australian Day! Find jokes about Australia and Australians: 1.Q: Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
A: Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.
2.A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”
3.Q: If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
A: Australian!
4.Q: How many Aussies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
5.Q: What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?
A: The referee.
6.Q: What do you call a farting Aussie?
A: Ned Smelly
7.Q: What's the difference between Cinderella and Melbourne FC?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
8.An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”
The kiwi answered, “Australia”.
9.Q: What do you call an Aussie with 100 girlfriends?
A: A farmer
10.Q: Why is Australia such a dry country?
A: We don't have a king or queen to reign on it.
11.Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”
The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”
12.Q: Why did Tasmanians evolve to grow two heads?
A: So they can have an intelligent conversation when they visit the mainland!
13.Q: Where can someone visit for 2 hours in Melbourne.
A: St Kilda via Punt Road.
14.Q: Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
A: Too bad, they're still working on it!
15.Q: How do you know when you're a hipster bogan?
A: When your coffee machine costs more than your washing machine.
16.Here's something you didn't know...Your taxi driver was a surgeon before arriving in Australia.
#HuganAustralianDay
Three hymns
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
World Teachers' Day Jokes
On 5th October we appreciate our educators with World Teachers' Day! Here are some light-hearted teacher jokes:
Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.
Teacher: Give me a sentence beginning with ‘I’.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Remember you must say ‘I am’ not ‘I is’.
Student: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Q: Who’s the king of the classroom?
A: The ruler.
Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first letter and the last.
Teacher: Why are you late for school?
Student: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?
Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses on the first day of school?
A: She heard her classes were super bright!
Teacher: If I had 8 oranges in one hand and 10 apples in the other hand, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Teacher: We will only have a half-day of school this morning…
Students: Yay!!!!
Teacher: Then we will have the other half this afternoon.
Teacher: What is the most common phrase used in school?
Student: I don’t know!
Teacher: Correct!
Teacher: What are two pronouns?
Student: Who? Me?
17 Yoga jokes for International Yoga Day
Jun the 21st is International Yoga Day! Celebrate it with few Yoga jokes!
1. I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am…
I said: I can only do Fridays.
2. I'm trying to write this pun about yoga.
But it's just not working out. It just seems a stretch.
3. What does the yoga teacher want for their birthday?
All they want is your presence.
4. Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?
The omless shelter.
5. Why is the pear so good at yoga?
He's got a great core.
6. What did the yogi tell his dog?
Nama, stay!
7. What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They'll find themself.
8. What's a pirate's least favorite yoga move?
The plank pose.
9. What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?
They both contain stretchers.
10. I did an amazing yoga pose over this stream created from acidic rainfall yesterday.
I think it's called a bridge over troubled water . . .
11. Why is it easy to make an appointment with a yoga teacher?
They're just so flexible.
12. I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys.
It's called "peace of ass".
13. Why did the yogi return the vacuum cleaner?
It came with too many attachments.
14. What happens if you kill a yoga teacher before the start of class?
You get charged with premeditated murder.
15. Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability
16. Why did the yogi refuse anesthetic at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
17. I got chucked out of yoga class yesterday.
Apparently, I misinterpreted the Half-Moon Pose.
14 new blonde jokes
1.Two blondes walk into a bar…
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
2. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
3. Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.
4. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.
5. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!
6. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; she's got a grenade in her teeth!
7. Blonde: "Do you have any children?"
Colleague: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
Blonde: "I might be blonde, but I know how to count."
8. Why did the blonde get fired from her job packaging M&Ms?
She kept throwing out all the ‘Ws'.
9. I found my blonde girlfriend painting the spare bedroom, wearing my coat and hers.
She was sweating buckets.
When I asked her why, she said it was because the can said "best results with two coats"!
10. What's blonde and dead in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion from 1995.
11. What do you give a blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
12. Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
13. Friend: Have you met my identical twin sister yet?
Blonde: No, what does she look like?
14. Why can't you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?
Because they keep getting up to answer the door.
History jokes-Christopher Columbus
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Nuns Confessional
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a manâs private parts. The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My right hand."
The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Maryâs and all will be forgiven.
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Maryâs and all will be forgiven.
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"
The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"
The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school...
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
