Popular jokes (406 to 420)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...
Carrot jokes
It is International Carrot Day! Have a carrot!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why did the carrot get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its field!
Why do carrots never start a fight?
Because they always turnip the beet!
What do you call a carrot that insults other vegetables?
A veggie-taunter!
Clean jokes funny-The Piano tuner
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."
A man walks into a bar and orders a free drink
The bartender says "Sorry mate, you have to pay up. I can't just serve a free drink The man then whispers "I have a 10 inch pianist in my pocket, and he can play a little jig for you. If I can prove that, can I get the drink then?"
The bartender ponders, but then agrees. The man pulls out the pianist, and he plays "The Entertainer" before hopping back in the man's pocket. Baffled, the bartender gives him the promised free drink.
The man whispered "I also have a magic Genie, who was the one that gave me this pianist. If I let him grant you one wish, can I get another free drink?"
The bartender, already in shock over the tiny piano man in his pocket, agrees. The man pulls out a lamp, and out comes a Genie, ready to grant wishes.
The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!" And all of a sudden, a million ducks enter the bar.
"Ducks?! I didn't want ducks!" The bartender shouts. The man looks at him, dead in the eyes and says "You think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?"
This is a classic Cajun joke...
This is a classic Cajun joke. A pirogue is a shallow flat bottom boat common in Louisiana. Ol’ Thibodeaux was sitting on his porch one day lookin over da bayou, when he spied ol’ Boudreaux comin by in his pirogue. He said, “Boudreaux, what you got in dat boat wit you?”
Boudreaux said, “I got me some duck tape.”
“Where you going wit dat duck tape?” asked Thibodeaux.
Boudreaux said, “I’m going down to da marsh.”
“What you gonna do with duck tape in da marsh?
“I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”
“Now, hold on, Thibodeaux, you can’t catch with no ducks with no duck tape.”
“Well you watch me.” says Boudreaux, and he goes on by.
A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back from da marsh with a big pile of ducks in his pirogue, and he just waves at Thibodeaux.
Da next day, Boudreaux passes again, and dis time, he’s got a box of nutra-sweet in the pirogue. Thibodeaux says, “Boudreaux, where you going wit dat nutra-sweet?”
Boudreaux says, “I’m going down to da marsh to catch me some nutria rats.”
“Now hold on, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “You can’t catch Nutria rats with Nutra sweet.”
“Well you watch me.” says Broudreaux, and he goes on his way.
A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back, and he has a big pile of Nutria rats in his bayou. He just waves as he passes Thibodeaux.
The next day, Boudreaux is passing by Thibodreaux again, and Thibodeaux says, “Hey Boudreaux, where you going today?”
Boudreaux says, “I’m going into town.”
“Well what you got in dat boat with you?”
Boudreaux answers, “I got me some pussy willows.”
“Now hold, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “I’ll get my hat and go wit you.”
6 Good jokes for Happy Friday
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities
My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me."
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper.
People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains
A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins.
My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!
17 Yoga jokes for International Yoga Day
Jun the 21st is International Yoga Day! Celebrate it with few Yoga jokes!
1. I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am…
I said: I can only do Fridays.
2. I'm trying to write this pun about yoga.
But it's just not working out. It just seems a stretch.
3. What does the yoga teacher want for their birthday?
All they want is your presence.
4. Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?
The omless shelter.
5. Why is the pear so good at yoga?
He's got a great core.
6. What did the yogi tell his dog?
Nama, stay!
7. What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They'll find themself.
8. What's a pirate's least favorite yoga move?
The plank pose.
9. What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?
They both contain stretchers.
10. I did an amazing yoga pose over this stream created from acidic rainfall yesterday.
I think it's called a bridge over troubled water . . .
11. Why is it easy to make an appointment with a yoga teacher?
They're just so flexible.
12. I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys.
It's called "peace of ass".
13. Why did the yogi return the vacuum cleaner?
It came with too many attachments.
14. What happens if you kill a yoga teacher before the start of class?
You get charged with premeditated murder.
15. Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability
16. Why did the yogi refuse anesthetic at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
17. I got chucked out of yoga class yesterday.
Apparently, I misinterpreted the Half-Moon Pose.
A Roll Of The Dice
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
Country with no R
Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.
I said, "No way."
An Irish Girl comes back home...
An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
A pirate walks into a bar with...
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink. Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.
The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"
History jokes-Christopher Columbus
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
The worst death
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the jerk. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
Being rude is easy
Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self-discipline and strong self-esteem. Being kind is not always easy when dealing with rude people. Kindness is a sign of a person who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding and wisdom. Choose to be kind over being right and you’ll be right every time because kindness is a sign of STRENGTH.
