Popular jokes (421 to 435)

6 Good jokes for Happy Friday

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities

My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me."

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper.

People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains

A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins.

My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!

World Teachers' Day Jokes

On 5th October we appreciate our educators with World Teachers' Day! Here are some light-hearted teacher jokes:

Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.

Teacher: Give me a sentence beginning with ‘I’.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Remember you must say ‘I am’ not ‘I is’.
Student: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Q: Who’s the king of the classroom?
A: The ruler.

Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first letter and the last.

Teacher: Why are you late for school?
Student: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?
Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses on the first day of school?
A: She heard her classes were super bright!

Teacher: If I had 8 oranges in one hand and 10 apples in the other hand, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!

Teacher: We will only have a half-day of school this morning…
Students: Yay!!!!
Teacher: Then we will have the other half this afternoon.

Teacher: What is the most common phrase used in school?
Student: I don’t know!
Teacher: Correct!

Teacher: What are two pronouns?
Student: Who? Me?

#worldteachersday

Write You A Ticket

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

18 Worst dad jokes for Fathers Day, according to Amazon employees

Amazon employees reveal on their best WORST dad jokes in an hilarious video series to mark Father's Day. Filmed in its UK fulfilment centres. Scotland is revealed to be the bad dad joke capital of Britain.

Interesting, one of these jokes is also voted one of 20 Best dad jokes of all time

Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos they arrrr.

What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.

Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf?
In case they get a hole in one.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her …
I SAID MAYBE.

What did the janitor say when he walked into the cupboard?
Supplies.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

My friend cut his finger while he was cooking.
He shouldn't have been using the sharp cheese. Sorry, that joke was a little too cheesy.

What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, they croak every night.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,
Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says,
I'm sorry,
we don't serve food here.

Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?
Because they're afraid one of them might crack up.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They just don't have the guts.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they turn around and make up stuff.

The Mule, the Monkey & The Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...

17 Yoga jokes for International Yoga Day

Jun the 21st is International Yoga Day! Celebrate it with few Yoga jokes!

1. I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am…
I said: I can only do Fridays.

2. I'm trying to write this pun about yoga.
But it's just not working out. It just seems a stretch.

3. What does the yoga teacher want for their birthday?
All they want is your presence.

4. Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?
The omless shelter.

5. Why is the pear so good at yoga?
He's got a great core.

6. What did the yogi tell his dog?
Nama, stay!

7. What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They'll find themself.

8. What's a pirate's least favorite yoga move?
The plank pose.

9. What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?
They both contain stretchers.

10. I did an amazing yoga pose over this stream created from acidic rainfall yesterday.
I think it's called a bridge over troubled water . . .

11. Why is it easy to make an appointment with a yoga teacher?
They're just so flexible.

12. I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys.
It's called "peace of ass".

13. Why did the yogi return the vacuum cleaner?
It came with too many attachments.

14. What happens if you kill a yoga teacher before the start of class?
You get charged with premeditated murder.

15. Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability

16. Why did the yogi refuse anesthetic at the dentist?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

17. I got chucked out of yoga class yesterday.
Apparently, I misinterpreted the Half-Moon Pose.

That wife of mine is a liar

That wife of mine is a liar said the angry husband to a sympathetic palseated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.

Two guys walking down the stre...

Two guys walking down the street talking. One says to the other, "I wish I had a million dollars."
The second guy says, "Oh, I'm working on my second million."
"Really?" asked the first guy, surprised.
"Yea, I gave up on the first million, didn't quite work out."

If the Magi Were Women...

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?
The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

The Million Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."
The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."

The Nose

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?
Because it is the scenter!

Imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”