Popular jokes (436 to 450)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
13 Yoga jokes to celebrate International Yoga Day
United Nations proclaimed 21 June as the International Day of Yoga! Have fun with Yoga Jokes!
1. Why do vegetable lovers love practicing yoga regularly?
They always want to find their inner peas.
2. How did my instructor know I was serious about yoga?
I told her I would be as flexible as possible.
3. I didn't believe yoga would fix my posture…
But I stand corrected.
4. What did the instructor say when her yoga student couldn't touch her toes?
She said, "Yoga-to try harder tomorrow".
5. Why did the bagel struggle in yoga class?
It couldn't find its center.
6. I've been practicing yoga for decades.
Yep, it's been a pretty long stretch.
7. What do you call a bagel that has mastered yoga?
A pretzel.
8. What is the most romantic yoga pose?
Pro-pose.
9. Why does everyone love yoga teachers?
They bend over backward for you.
10. What do you say at the end of a squirrel yoga class?
Nutmaste.
11. What do a cow walking backward and a yogi have in common?
They both say oooooom.
12. How does the yogi order a pizza?
Make me one with everything!
13. I'm worried I'm not that good at yoga.
Some days, I feel like just a poser.
Rolling Her Eyes
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
World Teachers' Day Jokes
On 5th October we appreciate our educators with World Teachers' Day! Here are some light-hearted teacher jokes:
Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.
Teacher: Give me a sentence beginning with ‘I’.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Remember you must say ‘I am’ not ‘I is’.
Student: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Q: Who’s the king of the classroom?
A: The ruler.
Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first letter and the last.
Teacher: Why are you late for school?
Student: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?
Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses on the first day of school?
A: She heard her classes were super bright!
Teacher: If I had 8 oranges in one hand and 10 apples in the other hand, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Teacher: We will only have a half-day of school this morning…
Students: Yay!!!!
Teacher: Then we will have the other half this afternoon.
Teacher: What is the most common phrase used in school?
Student: I don’t know!
Teacher: Correct!
Teacher: What are two pronouns?
Student: Who? Me?
A farmer goes to the bank to a
A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
8 short dad jokes to make you laugh
mom:Do you think we’re made of money?
daughter: Isn’t that what MOM stands for?
I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like!
In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery.
It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers.
So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn’t laugh either.
It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My mum told me that I can’t drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
Please stand up
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Better than money
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
The ten commandments of marriage
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Grocery Shopping Danger
Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts...
I believe he was a stalker.
18 Worst dad jokes for Fathers Day, according to Amazon employees
Amazon employees reveal on their best WORST dad jokes in an hilarious video series to mark Father's Day. Filmed in its UK fulfilment centres. Scotland is revealed to be the bad dad joke capital of Britain.
Interesting, one of these jokes is also voted one of 20 Best dad jokes of all time
Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos they arrrr.
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf?
In case they get a hole in one.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her …
I SAID MAYBE.
What did the janitor say when he walked into the cupboard?
Supplies.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
My friend cut his finger while he was cooking.
He shouldn't have been using the sharp cheese. Sorry, that joke was a little too cheesy.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, they croak every night.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,
Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says,
I'm sorry,
we don't serve food here.
Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?
Because they're afraid one of them might crack up.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They just don't have the guts.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they turn around and make up stuff.
14 new blonde jokes
1.Two blondes walk into a bar…
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
2. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
3. Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.
4. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.
5. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!
6. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; she's got a grenade in her teeth!
7. Blonde: "Do you have any children?"
Colleague: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
Blonde: "I might be blonde, but I know how to count."
8. Why did the blonde get fired from her job packaging M&Ms?
She kept throwing out all the ‘Ws'.
9. I found my blonde girlfriend painting the spare bedroom, wearing my coat and hers.
She was sweating buckets.
When I asked her why, she said it was because the can said "best results with two coats"!
10. What's blonde and dead in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion from 1995.
11. What do you give a blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
12. Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
13. Friend: Have you met my identical twin sister yet?
Blonde: No, what does she look like?
14. Why can't you tell a blonde a knock-knock joke?
Because they keep getting up to answer the door.
Soup on Mars
A man goes to a restaurant on Mars and notices a koala in his soup."Waiter," he exclaims, "there's something in my soup!"
The waiter responds, "you ordered the eel soup, right?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, that's an eel."
"Have you been to Earth?! Eels look nothing like koalas!"
"Yes, but this is a Mars Soup Eel."
