Popular jokes (436 to 450)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
New Secretary
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"#joke #lawyer
People who don't know the opposite of in
Shout OUT to people who don't know the opposite of in! #joke #short
A woman goes to the gynecologi...
A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam. After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."
The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."
Hollywood Squares
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
When someone says to me great minds think alike
When someone says to me great minds think alike, i just look at them and think “You dirty bastard” #joke #short
Why Is The Bride Dressed In White?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?""Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."
The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says...
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?
#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Parking Lot Rules
Parking lots have unsaid rules.
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.
Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.
Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.
Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.
Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.
Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.
Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.
Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.
Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.
Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"
Husband wanted
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
#joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey
He takes a sip and then spits it out."I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
#joke #walksintoabar #drinks #whiskey #cognac
