Popular jokes (4336 to 4350)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
An elderly man and his wife, v...
An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years."This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."
"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."
"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"
The Bear
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
I recently had a visitor from...
I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Mighty Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"
He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
The workers in a large office...
The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the better part of her life with the company.Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it. Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!"
"Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they simply want to show how much you are appreciated."
"Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am NOT going to clean up after a mess like that!"
A guy went to his doctor full...
A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do." The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to have sex with your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.
"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
April Fool's Day - Technology upgrade
Give them an office technology upgrade. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Look forward to trip to Europe
Why did the cannibal look forward to his trip to Europe?Because he had a Swede tooth.
Two men went bear hunting. Whi...
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Patton Oswalt: Obituary Fear
My other big obituary fear is, when I die, theyll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, He loved to laugh. Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesnt tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- youre laughing! Thats like saying, He hungered for food.
What would you like for your birthday....
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Out in the car...
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and the man's girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That darned Pete!" the drunk chortled. "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
A very young couple exhibiting...
A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel. "Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favouring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"
"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."
