Popular jokes (4351 to 4365)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Unlucky Parachutist
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Too Much Hunting
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
A schoolgirl approaches her mo...
A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!" "And where is that?" her mother asks.
"Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains.
"Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes!"
I Own The Fastest Car
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...
This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot? 
10 Reasons Why God Created Eve...
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As 'Keeper of the Garden' Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' He only ends up getting himself in trouble.
AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...
When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, 'I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!'
Hari Kondabolu: Arizona Anti-Immigration Laws
Its this anti-immigration legislation that theyre trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think thats horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, Hey, were just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be. The way it used to be? Lady, youre in Arizona. It used to be Mexico. Two men, one American and an I...
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"
Patton Oswalt: Obituary Fear
My other big obituary fear is, when I die, theyll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, He loved to laugh. Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesnt tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- youre laughing! Thats like saying, He hungered for food.
My Super Ex-Wife
My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.She thought she was God.
I disagreed.
