Popular jokes (4876 to 4890)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A guy walking down a street on...
A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
Where did The Blood Come From?
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Olive
A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
The reason there are so many p...
The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that they have such different views of sex and relationships. Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex.
Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.
On Exercising
1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is. 2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
and last but not least....
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
A President Visits an Elementary School
After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”
Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”
Sheng Wang: Man With a Comb Over
If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips. 
A posted in a couples home ...
A posted in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so!!!" You CAN take it with you?
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Vintage Joke from 1844 - Hilarious and Kind of Dark!
A somewhat dark but genuinely funny joke from 1844, related by Southern anti-slavery pastor J.M. Pendleton in his autobiography: There were two women on a boat, one of whom wished fresh air and the other did not. The name of their chambermaid was Tabitha. In the night the cry was heard, "Tabitha, raise the window; I shall be suffocated." Tabitha obeyed, but in a little while the other woman cried, "Tabitha, let down that window or the fresh air will kill me." Thus the thing went on with alternate demands that the window be opened and shut, till an ungallant man, not willing longer to have his sleep disturbed, cried out, "Tabitha, close that window till one of those women dies, and then open it till the other dies, and let us have some peace."Soap and water...
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Phone sex
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
