Popular jokes (5206 to 5220)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Dumb Horse
A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."
Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."
Solitaire
Two lunatics are in the rec room of an asylum. One is playing solitaire, and the other is watching. Suddenly, the watcher says, "Hey! You just cheated yourself!""Ssh!" The other whispers, "Don't tell anybody, but I've been cheating myself at solitaire for years."
The first nut whispers back, "But, don't you ever catch yourself?"
"Nope", the solitaire player say proudly, "I'm way too clever!"
Stay Over One Night
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
The Peeing Accident
A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he'd lose a half hour of time.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.
Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!
At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex."
The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"
The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go!' "
The Question
Mrs. Applebaum was surprised when she saw her son Burt at home. 'Why are you home from school so early?' asked Mrs. Applebaum.
'I was the only one who could answer a question,” replied Burt.
'Oh, really?” said Mrs. Applebaum proudly. “What was the question?'
'Who threw the eraser at the principal?'
Slowing Down
You know you've reached middle age...
When you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Horse Race
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
This guy was so lonely that he...
This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Negotiations between union mem...
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"
The NFL Team Names
NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
Stopped By The Police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
