Popular jokes (5221 to 5235)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Forever Friends
On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living.
As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Halls Of Justice
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
Chuck Norris threw a grenade a...
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it blew up.Ethical Problem
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:
Should he tell his partner?
The new dads!
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.
"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."
Birthday Party
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
My grandmother started walking
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would haveput them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add oneminute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend anadditional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
No Male Pallbearers
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." Hear about the dentist and his
Hear about the dentist and his evil twin?They were molar opposites!
A man walked into a restaurant...
A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you $300 if we're unable to serve you any entree you order."He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on rye.
The waitress took the order and left.
All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans.
It went on and on.
The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen.
He slapped down $300 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of rye."
Charge By The Inch
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
A local business was looking f...
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
When they discover the center of the universe
When they discover the center of the universe... Wandering Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
