Popular jokes (5221 to 5235)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
You Might Be A Redneck If ...
You might be a redneck if...You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Q. Why is it so hard for women...
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Cannibals
One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals.
The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won’t kill you".
So the 3 people followed the orders which were to go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of your choice.
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person held his composure however then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". However as much as he tried to restrain himself the person burst into tears laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?"
The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."
Screwed
A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"
Ted Alexandro: Personal Trainer
My sisters a personal trainer. Thats a tough job. I dont think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. Can you help me define my abs? Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous. It's Not A Stretch
As I get older, I notice that my wife and my hamstrings have a lot in common.
They're both inflexible.
The Art Of Falling Apart
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel #5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obit, like I do every day;
If my name's not there, I'll once again start
Perfecting the art of falling apart!
Brendon Walsh: Badge
The last job I had, I had to wear this badge around my neck all day -- like, a laminated badge. Its like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.Shoe-recycling shop
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
It was sole-destroying
Author: Alex Horne, Joke was second on August 2013 on Fringe’s best one-liner prize
Generosity
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.""You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Missing Puzzle Piece
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.
Two private detectives were do...
Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband's request they staked out the wife's bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside. The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style. After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, "As long as we’re here on the case, may be we should go in after him?"
To this the other replied, "Great idea! Who first?"
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”
The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
Marketing Translations
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
